I Know You're There, But Are You Present? - S03E09

On this week’s show Kristin and I are talking all about what it means to be truly present and what can stand in the way of true connection. We also give some ideas about how to know what kind of conversationalist you are, as well as how to settle into a conversation and be as present as possible.

Kristin's Website
Ralph's Linktree

DISCALIMER:
The views expressed on the Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast are solely the opinions of your hosts Kristin Wood and Ralph Andracchio and are based on their years of practical and clinical experience. These opinions do not constitute any kind of advice, diagnosis, or treatment of any mental, physical, or emotional issues. If you are having an emergency or any serious ongoing situations please contact your local hospital or a trusted professional. 

Transcript

The Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast
Season 03
Episode 09
I Know You're There, But Are You Present?

[MUSIC INTRO PLAYS]

Ralph Andracchio  
It's time for the best part of your week. That's right. You found the Hey Let Me Ask You Something podcast, the show dedicated to inspiring more people to ask more questions and have more interesting conversations. On this week's show, Kristin and I are talking all about what it means to be truly present and what can stand in the way of true connection.

Kristin Wood  
A lot of times we as humans are not present. We are not present in what we're doing. We are not present with the people that we're with. We are focused on work stuff in our brain or insecurities about ourselves, take us away from focus, or other worries or concerns or whatever the case may be. And oftentimes, we are not as a result connecting to the people that we care about. 

Ralph Andracchio  
The best way for you to help us inspire more conversations and easily find more of our killer episodes is to hit that subscribe button and share this show with your friends. And check us out on YouTube if you want to see us as well as hear us up to you. And remember, we love that you're listening but this show is for entertainment and we are not your therapist or your coach. We are not providing professional advice either from us or our guests. Give that full disclaimer in the show notes a once over for more info on that. Alright folks let's start the conversation. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Recording in progress. I definitely wish I was there. In Flor -  are you allowed or am I allowed to say where you're at?

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, look, I'm in a different spot. We're not together on a secret.

Ralph Andracchio  
Well, people who are just listening, they - we sound like we're in the same room but you are in Florida and I am still in Philadelphia.

Kristin Wood  
I am and I think I got out in the nick of time because I heard the weather sucks right now.

Ralph Andracchio  
It was so well. It was kind of beautiful. It was 70 degrees one day and it was. We had all the windows open on Monday. And but it was like there were 50 mile an hour wind gusts and so everything on our house blew around but it was nice just to have the windows open so

Kristin Wood  
I tried playing tennis that then it was very funny. Trying to play tennis in that wind like, have you so much arm power to get the ball over the net?

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, I'm surprised the ball actually went anywhere you wanted it to because it was so windy. 

Kristin Wood  
It really didn't it got became comical a little bit. But we hung in there cuz it was warm. We were just excited that the weather was nice.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. Yeah, it's I think it would be easier just to play tetherball or something.

Kristin Wood  
Exactly anything, right? Anything tethered would have been easier than a random ball flying through the air with a gust of wind. Yeah, I mean, I'm in Florida, with the parents and it's beautiful and it's warm. And I was in my happy place at the sun is my happy place. So

Ralph Andracchio  
yeah, I am right there with you. Anytime it's warm and sunny is like my jam. When eventually when I make enough money we're buying. We're buying a house someplace warm and just you know moving there when it gets cold up here. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I told my parents I'm like, I just can I just be a snowbird with you. And when it gets cold in Philly like you do. I'm just gonna come live here but... snowbirds. Yeah. So I wouldn't I mean, I don't even know how long I can do this in general. It's just so that's the pace you have to slow yourself down. And when you're not used to it, it's just like so slow because it's very old where I am. It's very, very old. And so in general people move slower, right? And then it's Florida. So it's like, okay, I got to adjust and put my patient pants on but you know, I don't have a lot of patience. So yeah, so I almost lost it at the airport last night, but I kept from having there was a bad experience at the end and I'll just tell you really fast and I want to hear how your weeks been but everything was fine on the left Philadelphia and then we get to Florida and everything was not okay. Then we land and then we sit there for an hour because some airplane is parked in our parking spot. Basically, we finally get off the go to get the luggage because I had to check luggage. an hour. At least we waited. And not only that, but they didn't tell us what was going on. The frontier lady didn't know what was going on. No one knew what was going on. And all these flights kept coming in after us and we kept seeing their luggage coming out and then getting their stuff and going and I was done. I had no more patience plus was very worried about my parents were in their 80s and it was getting later and later and later and I was like oh my gosh, this is like too late. So it was not pleasant at the end of that trip but we made it back

Ralph Andracchio  
not okay I would you said frontier lady and I I want frontier airlines...

Kristin Wood  
sorry frontier. I'm not flying them ever again. Done.

Ralph Andracchio  
No, no, no, no, no, it's okay. I'm saying it's funny because now I'm picturing everybody dressed like frontier people. Like they're crossing they're crossing the Midwest. Did she have a big hoop skirt on and like...

Kristin Wood  
I was nice with her because I felt really bad for her because it wasn't her it was whatever it was supposed to be doing this job that wasn't doing it and everyone was upset and they were coming at her and I felt very bad for her. So was trying very hard to be patient with her. But it was very refreshing. It's like okay, if there's a problem, make an announcement. Tell people what is going on. That was what really made me angry. Not only we're not going to answers but no idea was it going to be midnight before they decided to pop those bags. Out. I just was like I'm perplexed. I was not nice at the end of the night.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, that is not great. I remember there was one time my comedy partner Steve and I were flying either to Michigan or from Michigan. I can't remember which one I think it was from Michigan. Back here. And there was a huge delay. And it turns out they were waiting for one of the flight crew because they couldn't or the flight attendants or something where you have to have a full complement or else you can't take off and there was one person missing. And so they were like calling around emergency to like see who could come in and it was we were waiting. It's fine. You know, I understand the rules. But Steve and I, we were at a comedy festival we are comedians. That's what we do. So they were we were making fun and like joking to ourselves about what was happening and didn't realize that there was a woman sitting in the row in front of us in the waiting area for the at the at the gate. And like mid conversation with me and Steve she turns around and starts screaming at me. You don't understand what it's like my uncle's a pilot you don't understand. They're they have things they need to do and rules they need to follow and you're being rude.

Ralph Andracchio  
And I was like, Excuse you. This is..., right? This is A to B conversation so why don't you C your way out of it like Yeah, and I can get very like I go from zero to Oh, no, you didn't very quickly. And so Steve was like, Ralph it's not worth it. Ralph just just stop. And I was like, Okay, fine. And I but I told her like we're having a private conversation. We're just joking to pass the time like, well, you don't know and you shouldn't do that. And I was like, All right, Lady relax. And so then the whole time we get on the plane. And of course, of course, she's right in front of me to get on the plane. And so I'm not saying anything to her. I'm avoiding her whatever like it's the moments gone. I'm fine. Like I just want to go home. And she's trying to put her stuff like she's waiting to put her stuff in the overhead or she is putting her stuff and then she stops and turns around looks at me and goes, well, you might as well go because you're going to anyway. And I'm like

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, something's going on with her and as

Ralph Andracchio  
I was like, Yeah, I am going I need to get by you I'm not I wasn't saying anything. I wasn't being mean or like me. I was literally silent just waiting for Oh my god. Yeah, flying is not

Kristin Wood  
That's why I don't like to travel. I don't like it. I like to go get from point A to point B but everything in between is just unnecessary. To me. I don't like it. I don't I don't know people I guess like it. Some people don't I don't like it at all.

Ralph Andracchio  
I did fly Virgin once and it was really nice. I like Virgin but that was like the bright spot in an otherwise dark wasteland of flights. I don't even know if we're allowed to say all these names but I don't care. It's fine. Virgin if you want to send us some free tickets go right ahead.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, right. I actually haven't booked my flight home yet Virgin. So if you hear this and you wanna, yeah.

Ralph Andracchio  
So what we're going to talk about today, you actually came up with the topic. It's I think it's a really interesting one. Would you like to start us off? kick us off?

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I actually think I even have I was playing around with a title for the episode maybe. I was like, What was I thinking something like? I know you're there but are you present or something like that? So or something like that work? I actually came up with this idea in the shower an hour ago. So So anyway, I am thinking about based on some conversations I've been having. The fact that a lot of times we as humans are not present. We are not present in what we're doing. We are not present with the people that we're with. We are focused on work stuff on our brain or insecurities about ourselves. Take us away from focus, or other worries or concerns or whatever the case may be. And oftentimes we are not as a result, connecting to the people that we care about, and not giving our best self and our best listening skills, etc. Because we're distracted or preoccupied with whatever the whatever it might be. That was sort of what I was bringing to the table and I think that it's a good good timing to maybe to have this conversation, because I really feel like things are starting to pick up in the world around the COVID part I was just talking to you Ralph before we started about how people are really going back to the office, not like legit, or that we've we've they've dabbled around with it. But now I feel like people are really going back. And so I can just see I don't know what it's all gonna look like but the pace is going to pick back up for people and maybe old habits that may not want to revisit are going to resurface. And so how do we take some steps not to do that and also what are the effects are not present on ourselves and the ones around us?

Ralph Andracchio  
i Yeah, this is this is such a great topic. Timely like you said because everybody everything's opening back up I know in Philly. We are... all the mandates have been lifted right now. So you know people can go wherever I you know, places can still have their own rules about wearing masks and distancing and stuff but as far as government's concerned, everything's up and up and running. So yeah, I we've spent what is it now three years, almost, in a quarantine, working from home, having limited contact with people and we've all gotten used to having a certain level of attention when it comes to talking to other people and focusing on other things. And because it's a different level. I think it's a different level of attention and commitment to a conversation when it's virtual rather than in person. 

Kristin Wood  
Like 1,000% 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. And so I think moving back into face to face conversations, it's gonna there's gonna be a little bit of a learning curve for people because you're not we're so used to looking at people through screens and a lot of our tics, you know, nervous things we do or like I you know, subconscious. I play with things when I talk to people online just because it's, I have anxiety thing where I have to like have a fidget spinner. And that's hard 

Kristin Wood  
I was just going to ask if you have a fidget spinner 

Ralph Andracchio  
when I do and it's hard to do when you're in person. So for me, that's my thing where I'm going to have to get back into sitting quietly, listening to somebody and not having 20 things in front of me, you know?

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. And I was telling you before that, where this really struck home for me, personally, and I already said this to Ralph. Now, I'm telling everyone listening is that I just noticed I was remember I remember so much detail when I'm working with about my clients lives like their friends, so and so's name, I'll remember. And yeah, I take notes, but I remember stuff that's not in my notes that I was like so. So like, oh my gosh, how do I remember all this? And it's because I'm more present than I am in the rest of my life because I feel like I don't remember things at all when I'm not working. I'm not being as present. I'm not as good of a listener. And so it I'm glad I realized I saw that and I'm working on that, especially remember people's names. So big thing I'm working on because a lot of that is not being present. You're not listening. People are going around they're introducing saying, right, like, Oh, this is George, this is whoever and then you're like hi and then you easily can process it flies out the window. 10 minutes later, like what's that guy's name? so I started there like really trying to like, Okay, this is this person's name and like paying attention to that. But yeah, and I think it can have more bigger effects than that.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. I do not take notes when I am with the client for a multitude of reasons. But I find that it takes me out of the conversation when I stopped to take notes or jot things down. And also I have training in a stage training where for the past decade I've been doing, I've been practicing, you know, deep active listening. So I had a little leg up but I think there is I think you bring up a good point of when you do talk to somebody how present you are it's a learned it's a learned thing. You know, some Yes, some people are just naturally better listeners than others. But I think active deep listening is something anybody can learn. And it is a different level of awareness. That you kind of settle into. There's like different layers and levels of listening and then it gets deeper and deeper as you go. And it takes practice, but I think when somebody is and we've all had that flow where we get into that zone when you talk to somebody where the rest of the world kind of melts away and you're just Yes, I'm hanging on every word. I can remember all this and I recalled what you said 20 minutes ago about your dog named Lucy that you know you grew up with. And I surprise myself sometimes because when I'm with a client, I'll remember something they said 20 minutes ago or last week or two weeks ago from another session, and I'll surprise myself remembering it. But I think it's also nice for them because they feel heard and like oh I really am present and I am listening because I do recall all this stuff that they're telling me. It just adds to the experience from the person that you're talking to.

Kristin Wood  
Right but why aren't we doing that? Outside of work? That's the you know, and

Ralph Andracchio  
because I'm not getting paid to talk to my parents

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, and I think I think the other thing I wanted to make sure we we tap on here, couldn't think of the right phrase so it is tap on which sounds funny but is how that affects relationships.

Ralph Andracchio  
Absolutely. I'm going to I actually did a presentation for a workgroup earlier this week. It was my self talk presentation. And I touched on a this book Chatter which I've talked about before by Ethan Kross. And he it's I know I've said this before, but it's always fascinates me like, we don't spend a lot of time in the present. We were either ruminating about the past or worrying about the future like our brain likes to time travel and think about other things. So I think first of all, just realizing and accepting that your brain wandering is a natural part of life. We it's I think it's impossible for us to be present 24 hours a day, seven days a week but also, when we need to focus I think we can focus and it's again, just like listening, it's a learned skill, but it's also it's also kind of embracing who you are and how you listen and what you know where your attentions at and what interests you, you know, and I think embracing all of that can help you be more present when you know like, I don't know, I don't know what I'm getting at but I think the just the just the act of knowing first of all your mind wandering is normal. And then secondly, kind of figuring out who you are as a listener and as a as a talker is important too.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, that's a good point. I think it's also about it's just about slowing down to if you if you want to work on this is something that you think you're struggling with. You have to be in especially if it's not a muscle that's been worked. You have to be very intentional. You know you're going to dinner with friend or whatever you have to you're going to have to prep yourself and pay attention to yourself and yourself. But it's got to be more intentional. It's not going to just happen. You're gonna have to work at it in practice and work that muscle for that to become something that you're just overall better at. And the other piece of this I think is what are you what is pulling you out? Is it the future the past? Is it a bunch of different things your your grocery list, what is it or is it the same thing? Like is it work? Is it your marriage? Is it whatever? Because if that's the case, then obviously there's some work that needs to be done on X thing. Like there's some problems going on there that you can't get that off your brain at any point even when you're not there. Like even when you're away from partner even when you're away from work. If you are constantly preoccupied with X thing, then that's an indication that X thing needs to be looked at pretty closely and there's there's a problem there.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes. It's it's learning how to shut off some of the extra noise in your head when you're with somebody. We live in a very stress not only stressful world, and I think I'm going to get philosophical for a second. I don't think the world is any more stressful. now than it was before like 10 years ago, 100 years ago, 200 years ago. I think it's different kinds of stress. But I think you know, as a species, humans have always been pretty stressed out. I think it seems more stressful now because we are so connected to each other in terms of social media. 24 hour news cycle, internet, like anything we want the answer to is at our fingertips. And so there is more for us to be worried and stressed about because you know, I could be having a nice day to myself and it's warm and sunny and I'm playing music and all of a sudden now, you know have a news item flashed on my screen on my phone that says another war happened or gas prices or a new omachron thing. Or like so it's it's very hard to to separate out the signal from the noise a lot of times and I think that adds to us not being able to listen and focus is because there's so much happening that we have to filter through.

Kristin Wood  
I love that you brought that up actually that's such a good point. I think phones social media is keeping us from being present. We a good way to go right? If you went out right now to a restaurant, these people on their phone when they're out with other people. It's constant I mean, I'll see a group of people on their phone but they're not even talking to each other. That is a huge part of in my opinion, the problem is that like you know, I, you and I think we're not have I'm thinking more very younger people like in their 20s that yeah, that's just more being on social medias all the time. So I tried to make a point to always put my phone harmlessly away but like not I'm not on my phone. I try not to be any way when I'm with people. And it really bothers me when people are like, I can think of somebody right now that does it a lot. And is on social media frequently when I've been around this person, and I don't I don't I really bothers me. Okay, it really interrupts all the connection. How can you be present

Ralph Andracchio  
is it me? You're talking about me, right? 

Kristin Wood  
Not talking about you Ralph 

Ralph Andracchio  
Damn, I thought I had that one. Well, the generational thing is interesting, because I think we're both Gen X right?

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, we're the same age frame.

Ralph Andracchio  
So we're Gen X and I think we our generation kind of straddled the old pre internet and post internet because when we were coming of age is when the internet really kind of took off. I remember having it you know, I remember getting cable in high school. And I remember getting, you know, going on the internet in you know, late high school, early college. So it's like, we, we had that kind of at the tail end of where we were, you know, becoming adults. And so I still remember, you know, talking on a landline to people and having to read the paper or watch the evening news to find out what was happening and there was there were no you know, I didn't have a cell phone in my pocket. So I had to walk to my neighbors and ride my bike and it's like, there was there was more. There were more barriers for entry in terms of like getting connected to other people. Now it's, you know, even if I don't have my cell phone on me, excuse me, I have my watch, which is a little mini cell phone, I can make calls on it. It tells me my you know horoscope and all my text messages in my email. So it's like one of them. You have to it's a blessing and a curse. And I think you have to now more more than before you have to make like you said a conscious decision to separate yourself and then you are seen as weird if you don't have a cell phone you don't have a smartwatch you don't have a computer you're not connected because it's now a given that people are that connected.

Kristin Wood  
Right I'm sorry, funny thing you made. Me think of right now my dad refuses to embrace any of this. He does not know how to use a computer. He does not know enough. He has a general understanding of some things. But he wanted to get new sneakers so his friend down downstairs was like just I just go online. I just get my sneakers actually on Amazon. My dad was like, like, you know, like Sound on Sound like what is like what can I see pictures of like, how do I know what they look like a heat and now it's going to be I'm going to go on there. We're going to look at the pictures of the shoes and we're going to order it like he has a once no which can be very very frustrating for other people like I would never want to go back that he never wanted to learn and wouldn't learn. But you just made me think of that of like that's the whole pendulum the a whole other way. And I think that with social media and if you are the generation that grew up with it, you really going to I hate to keep using the word intentional, but you're gonna have to make a point if you want to make this stuff right, like you're gonna have to have an agreement with your friends like put it away if we want to do selfies and posts or whatever we can do that but like let's let's put them over here for the first hour or whatever. And let's catch up. You know, because you're really losing from these moments, like when you're not in them. Yeah. Like, it's great to take a picture. It's great to do alive. I sound like an old woman right now. Whatever it is, and still Insta Live or whatever. Um, I don't... is that even a thing? You told me you did one!

Ralph Andracchio  
Instagram Live. Yeah, not Insta Live.

Kristin Wood  
Well, Insta's short for Instagram. Oh wow. All right, we're editing this right out because I sounds like an idiot right now.

Ralph Andracchio  
It's all staying in

Kristin Wood  
it's fine to do all that to have that memory but I feel as though that distracts from people being present. So yeah times preoccupied with the picture being right, the video being right whatever that they're not actually in the moment.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes, um, something I heard of doing and I have done but, you know, few times going out to dinner is if it's a big issue of people being on their phones during dinner or while you're out having drinks or whatever. I do a thing where I'd make everybody put their phones in a pile on the table, facedown, one on top of each other. And whoever grabs their phone first pays for dinner. 

Kristin Wood  
I love that. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Barring emergencies or like oh my god somebody needs to get ahold of me. But barring any of that stuff, if it's just like, Oh, I just want to check my email or just want to check the score in the game. Nope. If you touch your phone, you got to pay for dinner. And guess what? It keeps a lot of people's hands off their phones.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, yeah, that's great idea. I find it to be a problem personally within my group of friends. But you know, I said it's happened in the past but um, yeah, I think that that's a big keys because it's, I know just making me think more and more about this while we're talking of just how much we Yeah, and I'm gonna work on this this week because I am now forced to slow down mode, which I need to do and it's self care and I want to do but I can just see me myself today. A little bit because I'm still decompressing. Like thinking about oh, my friends next week and the dumb I don't know and I'm like, let's just be here. My parents are in their 80s We don't know You know, and just enjoy and just sit in the moment are watching Jeopardy which will be happening in the world news at 630 will be happening. I like just just being in it. And it's just hard. I'm thinking about you know how tough this is sometimes and I don't think we always realize we're doing it and sometimes need other people. to point it out.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, we're not we're not used to connecting with each other. On a very intimate level and I don't mean intimate like relationship intimate. I mean, like, just sitting with somebody face to face. I'm looking into their eyes and talking to them. It can be uncomfortable for some people. And because we're not used to it if it's not through a screen and I have an exercise I do in classes and workshops to kind of get people connected and getting over that this is uncomfortable thing where I just have them stand in front of each other and look into each other's eyes for 60 seconds,

Kristin Wood  
That could be comfortable.

Ralph Andracchio  
60 seconds, no talking, no moving. You just look in each other's eyes. And I do it because there's a eventually there's a moment when you're doing it where you can feel your body. Relax, like you, you take an extra deep breath and you just kind of feel like you settle into the moment. And that's when you kind of, that's the moment that you kind of let your guard down and you're like, alright, I can't go anywhere. So I'm going to relax into this and I think it's a subtle thing, but I think the more we can find that moment where we kind of relax into it and let our guard down and stop, you know, feel ourselves, you know, loosen up and untighten you know I think that's when you really start to enjoy being present and being with the person and listening and having a conversation.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, that's interesting that activity that after a period of looking at each other in the eyes that that people come because I think what it is, is that connection. So really uncomfortable. And then I don't know the psychology behind it, but it sounds like then they connect. Yeah. And then that's when they feel that relief or calmness. It makes me think about babies you know, just sounds weird but because that's how you know obviously attachments huge with a baby and babies connect with their caregiver through eye contact a lot. And I did an experiment on this in college. And if you can see how babies behavior is when their mother is looking right at them and they're connected by the eyes like you're talking about. A mom is present and she is engaged and she is connected to the baby. The baby is calm, the baby is happy. If you put a baby in front of a caregiver, that's all that is not paying attention is not connected or it's just totally absent. The baby is going like this, you know, looking all around and they're in a little bit of distress. And then, you know, you see the person calm and connect with their eyes and the baby calms. So it's interesting to realize that as adults, we kind of do the same thing with one another.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, and we're I mean, we're programmed to look for faces, we're programmed to look for eyes, we're programmed at a genetic level, to make that connection with other people. You know, before it was a survival thing, you know, finding you know, animals that look like us who had our face so we could like get together and help each other out. And I think we're going to start philosophizing again, but I think we're at a point in our like, humanity's evolution where we're fighting against all that because everything is so immediate and connected and digital. At that hour, all of our instincts are kind of fighting against those things. So I think that's another reason going back to the main point of the show today about being present and connected. is I think, sometimes we just get overloaded with all the connection. And we we don't, we're missing that kind of human human touch to everything. I don't know if that makes sense.

Kristin Wood  
I think so I was just thinking too, about how you know the masks have affected this a little bit, especially around the connection piece. People that are uncomfortable being social or uncomfortable around strangers have been able to hide and and now I mean, they just wear a mask if they want still but now the masks are kind of gone for now hopefully pretty good. But for some people obviously you know compromised people or something but but my point is is that if you think of the mask, not just as literal, but as like metaphorical simple word like the mask is let people hide the mask has been an excuse not to connect. If it was just a stranger like that. was super extroverts. I have a lot of people may not relate with this, but like that really bothered me like I really like to just be able to smile at somebody or look at their face and be able you know, and that just took all that off the table. But so I think that the sense I thought I was but now I feel like I'm somewhere else. I just I just think we just look at that to haven't had to be necessarily present haven't necessarily it's people haven't been connecting like they were kind of you just think about the social distance part of it too. And then in terms of and COVID into this so much but you know, you go out to a restaurant now. You may or may not given the setup given who you're with, given how you're feeling cannot put the table next to you or table shows right? You might interact with people. When COVID had done all that stopped, right? Nobody was interacting with anyone you were barely able to go with your own people get a meal out right. And so again, for some people that are the opposite, maybe they were very comfortable with that. For someone like myself is very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable with it. So I'm of course in my happy place that we're all connecting but I recognize for people on the other side of this whole pendulum that this is terrifying now not to go back out and do this and connect with people.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes And I think there's a cultural aspect to it too, because I've heard a few times, listening to talks and like reading articles that America has a very peculiar and specific culture when it comes to connecting with people, especially strangers like I know there's a lot of other cultures that don't smile when they see somebody on the street. And some cultures that could be seen as rude like what do you do? You don't know me? What are you smiling at me? Right or, you know, so I I'm I'm very happy that in America we do kind of like we have that very open and welcoming kind of smiled everybody say hi kind of thing. But not only culturally but I think a lot of times I'm I'm an introverted extrovert so the more you know yes to if I'm in the mood, I'm going to go out and have a good time and talk to people but but a lot of times where I, I just want to focus on my plate and the person I'm with, like, avoid any unnecessary eye contact so that that could be another thing of, you know, being present. There's different there's different levels of being present. There's also different ideas of what that means for people you know. And this has popped into my head which is interesting, but like, people who may be neurodivergent who have an issue looking you know, making eye contact with somebody or, you know, have have some other kind of sensory issue where in, you know, doing the things we're talking about, maybe impossible for them, but they're still present. They're still listening, you know, so I think it's not only on the person speaking but I think the person listening to have noticing Oh, who is this person that I'm speaking to noticing how they communicate and adjust accordingly? You know,

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. Agree even with like strangers. I know. I'm like out there like half a day right? them out. I'll just start you know, you know, I can I try to read really well. When people are kind of uncomfortable. Maybe they answer politely and I just like, move on. And that's fine, because everyone's not Kristin. So I try to read that kind of stuff. As I but I think it also made me think about I don't think I'm making much sense today. I don't feel like it's making sense earlier, but but I'm going to go with it. What kind of level of present and connection do you want with like, let's say you're out with your boyfriend, or you're on a date or whatever, girlfriend, whatever. And do you want to just be connected and present with them? Or do you want to be in a group and all be hanging out and then that is a different level of it's different type of presence. It's a different type of connection. It's less, probably a little less connected with you and your person, whatever they are, whatever category you have them in, but you're connected. With other people to what an assessing what to what do I need? What does this relationship need? What do my friends need to determine? I know I've had to do that at times because I could be social all day every day. But sometimes it's like, okay, well, this person needs me and they need me one on one. Or we need to do this for us. I don't know if that makes sense.

Ralph Andracchio  
It absolutely does. Yeah. I and I think that that's a really important aspect of what we're talking about in terms of you know, how to be more present or what happens when we're not present. Yes, there could be things going on internally and your brain was stressed and thinking about other things in the world. But it could also be you know, setting expectations for the interaction like a person, your client coming to you and spending an hour talking to you is different than if they're talking to their partner, if they're talking to their parents, or if they're talking to somebody from work, and it's adjusting accordingly. And I think if somebody was out with their partner and treated it like they were speaking to their therapist, yeah, there's a disconnect there. And be like, What are you doing, you know, for me, can we order food? And like you said, Oh, we're on a date. It's just the two of us where each other's priority rather than oh, we're going out with friends so we can kind of loosen up a little bit and talk to other people. That's all and I think, very rarely does that happen where people talk about it beforehand, like, yes, we're going together, but there's going to be other people here. So we're going to talk like this and act like this. I don't that doesn't happen. But no, do you have to, you know, kind of adjust on the fly and say, oh, you know, you you take in the room. You kind of notice how other people are acting and where you fit into the whole thing and you adjust accordingly.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, but I think I've been I'm just thinking as an example of I've been intentional with somebody I've been spending time with, of, I don't get to see them all the time and I enjoy spending time with them. So but I also enjoy spending time with all of us, like my friends and this person. So it's like, I've been trying to be more intentional of kind of what we're talking about of let's spend some time together for a little while alone. Maybe go out for an hour, hour and a half with group and maybe if time we go spend some more time so there's a balance of like my that's the time because it is fun. And you know to hang with the friends and laugh and do all of that together. But then wanting to give the that person the attention that you feel that the two of you need also, that's one a month.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. And that brings up the whole a whole other avenue of communication by just like, if you're not getting what you need, ask for it. Or, you know, I need this kind of attention or conversation today. Or, you know, we're going out but I really want to spend you know, we're going to be out with our friends but I really want to spend when the majority of the time with you, you know, if you're not connecting, you know, have that conversation of Yeah, you know, I'm not getting what I need or maybe we're there was a miscommunication or you know, I think we don't do that and then we get annoyed and, you know, hold a grudge or if there's another word that I can't think of but we get we get annoyed that they add it and then it kind of colors the rest of our interactions. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I guess what I was trying to think of as was some like little bullets of what we can like sum it up and say what to pay attention to to try to sort of see whether you're being present or not.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. Number one is, again, how we always say give yourself a little forgiveness. The way our brains are set up, it's impossible for us to be present 24 hours a day, seven days a week our brains can honor and think about the past from everything about the future. That's okay, it's normal. And then figure out your communication style. Are you somebody like Kristin who is like talking to strangers and making friends along plays and Garius and you know, visit another tables? That's great. Or if you're somebody like me, who tends to hold back and and you know, notice the room and notice people and like figure out a little bit about people before I jump in? That's cool, too. Or if you don't want to talk to anybody at all. That's cool. Well, you know, there's ways and you know, if you're not in the mood today, you're not in the mood. That's great. And also, figuring out who you are conversational wise, there are people who are who much higher comfort you know, much more talkative and gregarious and you know, energetic and animated, and some people who are more thoughtful and like to say less and think more, that's fine. Yeah. And then asking, you know, asking for what you want out of out of a conversation or an interaction with somebody to, you know, not just assuming, or trying to make it something that it's not. Those are a couple of the points that I got.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, yeah, I talked to my clients all the time about framing things. Like if you want to talk about something that's upsetting, for instance, and you know, that you just want the person to listen and validate you telling them that maybe not using the fancy words if not, but like I just need to vent right now. I just need you to hear me and say I get it. That is a very good skill set to develop to improve communication because it takes the pressure off the listener who might start trying to solve the problem, which is not what you need, which just frustrates you. And then both of you are frustrated, and it just sets the stage for getting what you need. So I love that you said that I think just really trying to center yourself to like checking in on how am I feeling right now? What's going on around me who's like almost trying to do a check in of like, okay, what's happening? Okay, it's cold in here now and oh, so and so got those chicken fingers. I was gonna get like, oh, no, just trying to make sure you're you're in, in the in that moment in that space. And how often are you going off into work into relationship into family? Because it's gonna it's gonna if you're if you're somebody who has a really hard time with this, it's going to take a lot of practice. So sort of doing like periodic check ins with yourself when you're out trying to work on this or home trying to work on this. Because then you can see the patterns and you can also figure out or identify if there is one big thing that keeps on interfering, then that's a red flashing light that you need to address that one big thing. That's one big thing is a problem. You know, and it needs it needs some attention because it's literally interfering with all these other aspects of your life and your presence and connection. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, if you're stressed about something and it's taking over all of your energy. Again, that's okay if that's where you're at, but be honest with yourself about it and maybe say hey, now's not a good time to have this conversation or maybe go out at night because I'm not going to be present because my brain is somewhere else. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, it happens to everyone.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, of course.

Kristin Wood  
It happens to everyone at some point. It's not like you're never going to have this happen. It's just if it's happening all the time, and then you're feeling disconnected.

Ralph Andracchio  
Right? Exactly. Yeah. I don't know. Did we address all the points that you had?

Kristin Wood  
Yes, we did. I mean, I think this is a topic that's we just talk on and on about. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, this is this is a big one. And it's I think, I think necessary because like we said, people were starting to get back into in person meetings in person, everything. So it's something we're all going to be thinking about.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, yeah. And I think that social anxiety is going to really start back up for a lot of people. Because especially if people are going back into the office, really going back into the office now. That is going to force people to interact with other people, even if they've been able to avoid that otherwise. So and it's also gonna challenge maybe self care and the pace that we've been living our lives the past few years.

Ralph Andracchio  
Slow and steady, wins the race. Slow and steady. Cool. I feel like we nailed it.

Kristin Wood  
We did. Always do 

Ralph Andracchio  
We did we always do that's right

Kristin Wood  
I think it was my leopard print pocket.

Ralph Andracchio  
I think it was it's just that that added that added little gzuzg that the

Kristin Wood  
It's my bling, it's my bling. It's bedazzled Yes.

Ralph Andracchio  
Well enjoy the rest of your time in Florida.

Kristin Wood  
I shall make it my mission to be present. And enjoy.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes, me as well. I'm going to be more present this week. And keep in mind everything that we've talked about

Kristin Wood  
Look, we helped ourselves to we help other people, not just ourselves. Otherwise, it'd be like we had a group therapy session,

Ralph Andracchio  
Right? We I don't have anything figured out. I am not perfect. So I always enjoy these conversations because I always get something out of them. Right. Alright, my friend. 

Kristin Wood  
Bye Ralph. I miss you.

Ralph Andracchio  
I miss you. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I was because next week's gonna have to be same deal probably.

Ralph Andracchio  
Well, we'll figure it out. We always do. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, we will. Thanks friend. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Alright everybody if you like what you - what you heard today. Remember, you can connect with either of us at our respective websites and email addresses all that's in the show notes. And we'll see you next time on Hey Let Me Ask You Something. 

Kristin Wood  
Bye 

Ralph Andracchio  
See yah.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai