Why Is Is So Hard To Walk Away? - S03E10

On this week’s show Kristin and I are talking all about why it’s so hard to walk away from people and situations that aren’t working, the reasons we stay, and what could be waiting for us in the unknown.

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DISCALIMER:
The views expressed on the Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast are solely the opinions of your hosts Kristin Wood and Ralph Andracchio and are based on their years of practical and clinical experience. These opinions do not constitute any kind of advice, diagnosis, or treatment of any mental, physical, or emotional issues. If you are having an emergency or any serious ongoing situations please contact your local hospital or a trusted professional.

Transcript

The Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast
Season 03
Episode 10
Why Is It So Hard To Walk Away?

[MUSIC INTRO PLAYS]

Ralph Andracchio  
Hey folks, you found the Hey Let Me Ask You Something podcast, the show dedicated to inspiring more people to ask more questions and have more interesting conversations. On this week's show. Kristin and I are talking all about why it's so hard to walk away from people and situations that aren't working, the reasons we stay and what could be waiting for us in the unknown...

Kristin Wood  
Some people are only in your life for a season. And I think you could look at that with jobs to being able to recognize that this was.. this person, this relationship, this job was here to teach me X. So I do a lot with my clients I'm trying to make them understand that like, this was not a waste of time like a not to be corny, or but everything's your journey. And it's meant to happen in my opinion, which is not therapy, but just sort of the way I look at the world. I teach you this and then to teach you this.

Ralph Andracchio  
The best way for you to help us inspire more conversations and easily find more of our killer episodes is to hit that subscribe button and share the show with your friends. And check us out on YouTube if you want to see us as well as hear us. And remember, we love that you're listening but this show is for entertainment and we are not your therapist or your coach. We are not providing professional advice either from us or our guests. Give the full disclaimer in the show notes a once over for more info and that's Alright my friends. Let's start the conversation.

Kristin Wood  
like I like the squid game like intercom effect of recording in progress.

Ralph Andracchio  
Hi still in Florida.

Kristin Wood  
I am still in the sunny state is that what it's called sunny state? 

Ralph Andracchio  
Sunshine State 

Kristin Wood  
Sunshine State I am and it is sunny.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah 

Kristin Wood  
I think you're right. I think you're right. Anyone that for wrong. Please tell me. Yes. I'm still here till Friday. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Awesome. 

Kristin Wood  
Yes.

Ralph Andracchio  
And then you'll be back with the weather here is phenomenal.

Kristin Wood  
And I will be very excited. Because I was tracking what's the weather going to be when I get back on Friday night. And it was like, apparently a lovely day. So I was like I can do that. I can come back. I can grace you all with my presence. 

Ralph Andracchio  
You'll have a nice soft landing when you get back

Kristin Wood  
Yes but it's been beautiful here and then playing tennis with the older fellows. And that's been actually a lot of fun and being able to play tennis with my dad again, which I've done since I was a kid has been really fun. So yeah, that sunshine. 

Ralph Andracchio  
I'm looking forward to gardening. I have not touched any of my outdoor plants for in months. So I'm looking forward to buying bigger pots and letting things bloom and grow and I like to be surrounded by greenery. I think it's because I grew up in the country, but I like I like having live things around whether it be animals or plants or anything I just like to feel like I'm in nature.

Kristin Wood  
No and I'm sure they're out there patiently awaiting or impatiently awaiting your your horticultural touch. No, I'm the same way it's funny I love well I grew up on seven acres not exactly in the country, but I did grow up on a lot of land and but I I love planting flowers like that was my grandmother used to do that with her. And every time I do it, it's very soothing to me because it brings me back to that like nice memory. I can't really do that where I am now but I do need to invest in some more plants right now. I've just been trying to keep my orchid alive. I had a service my friend with the dropping of the ice cube which is how you water them while I was gone. I said Would you please do an ice cube a week because they do not require a lot of water. Okay, I said can you do the ice cube drop? And I said yeah. Hopefully the orchid it is still happy when I return on Friday. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Is that just for orchids doing the ice cube thing? 

Kristin Wood  
As far as I know, although, I don't know my other plant died. So I'm trying desperately to keep this one. I know they don't need a lot of water and I looked it up and that's what they said. That's one of the people says that's what I've been doing.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, that's that's one thing is I invest in plants that are very hardy and don't need a lot of attention. Because I will forget sometimes like all of our indoor plants are very self sufficient plants like a lot of ivy and a lot of like snake plants and and 

Kristin Wood  
Is that one behind you?

Ralph Andracchio  
Palms. That's an ivy behind me like the one that everybody has. It's like impossible to kill and it barely even needs like sunlight. Yeah, and you can really easily make cuttings from them and just you stick them in water and they grow roots and then you put them in a pot and then you have another one. So 

Kristin Wood  
They're an easy going plant. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, and I have one you can't see it's a purple one that's in the window. It's a zebra plant and has it's kind of like the it is an ivy but it's kind of like the green ones where it's like really easy to take care. Of. You just put it in a window and water it and it gets really beautiful shade of purple and then you just cut cut a little piece off, stick it in, stick it in dirt and you have another plant I like plants like that like if I want more all I have to do is cut a piece off, stick it in dirt. The snake plants are like that too. Which I didn't realize you just...

Kristin Wood  
I'm gonna be consulting with you when I purchased more plants I didn't know your plant knowledge till right now and all this is new information 

Ralph Andracchio  
I just want especially during the spring and summer when I'm like in in plant mode. I'll look up on Google for everything of like how does this What did cheap plant cheap hardy plant and like oh how do I propagate this and usually turns out it's really easy and if it's a plant that's like super hard to propagate or like take care of them usually like hard pass because I don't I don't want to kill it. So...

Kristin Wood  
Well you need an orchid in your life, so I will be delivering one to you. 

Ralph Andracchio  
They're hard to take care of aren't they? 

Kristin Wood  
They're not. They're not they're very easy like I just said one ice cube a week for a standard size orchid. Literally if you google it right now that's what they tell you.

Ralph Andracchio  
Super model diet one ice cube a week.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. And they don't like a ton of sunlight. So you don't want them in direct light like when my friend gave it to me. They were like, oh, it's like you could put it right here on your table. My table gets like tons of light so I moved it a little bit away to the coffee table. So they should not be in direct sunlight for like they can be in direct sunlight for one or two hours a day. And then that's it. If you do more than that you're going to kill it. But other than that, but even semi sunlight or whatever you call it, give it an ice cube and talk to it and it's happy.

Ralph Andracchio  
It's like the best friend you could ever have.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah sing it a little song whatever you want to do Ralph be creative.

Ralph Andracchio  
I like the there's the air plants that all you need to do is like spritz them with water once a week and then they're fine

Kristin Wood  
Ferns were kind of like that. But ferns were high maintenance. I felt like ferns haven't had one a very long time. And i used to love spritzing them. But I I also feel like they they weren't easy. They're pretty and they're fun with other plants.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. But they they're they take a lot of time.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, So next week, we're going to be back together right?

Ralph Andracchio  
We will next week. We'll be back together. We have some cool guests to round out the season. I'm excited about that. This is not a horticultural show. So if anybody anybody's still with us, you're in for a treat.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, we're done. That's all I have. Zero.

Ralph Andracchio  
tuned out yet. We're trying something different. We talked about it before but I have a topic that I have not shared with Kristin. This is you're going to see her blind react right here or here her blind react. It's a good topic and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised and interested. So um are you ready? I'm gonna I'm gonna pitch it to you. We'll see.

Kristin Wood  
All right, I've got my seatbelt on.

Ralph Andracchio  
Buckle up. So I did a post earlier today about a quote from Leonardo da Vinci. And the quote was, "Art is never finished. It's merely abandoned." Like or painting is never finished. It's nearly abandoned or like a poem like you can insert whatever kind of artwork you want in there. And it resonated with me because going to art school, like that's something that we learned when doing anything is that if you work on something too much, it just turns to mush. You know, it turns to soup and then it's like it's not what you what you wanted anymore. So there's a point where you have to say, This painting is done and step away from it and you don't work on it anymore. And that got me thinking about perfectionism, and how a lot of times we will work on something whether it be a job or relationship a way of life a habit or something so much that we just turn it into soup and it's just like, Oh, I've overworked this. This is speaking of plants like we overwater it we over trim it we whatever could be perfect.. and see how I got I tied in

Kristin Wood  
Oh my goodness. We do it every week and I don't know how we do it

Ralph Andracchio  
Every week. But it got me thinking that would be an interesting topic because first of all, I love the quote. You know art art is never finished. You just walk away from it. You know, there's art. I heard it put it another way like a painting is never finished. It just stops at an interesting place. You know you walk away to interesting point. And it got me thinking why is it so hard for us sometimes to step away from something when it's in a good place, and we have to like keep working on it until it kind of falls apart? So that's my that's my question for this week. How do you feel about that?

Kristin Wood  
I like it. I'm surprised we haven't done anything on perfectionism because I feel like I talk about this a lot.

Ralph Andracchio  
I think we have we talk we touch a lot on perfectionism but I think the added twist this week is the walking away from something when it's either in a good or stepping away from something either when it's in a good place or to when there's there's really nothing more you can do for it. So that can be taken both ways of like yes, this is done. It's good or this isn't working. I need to step away from this kind of thing. You know what I mean? It can be taken both ways. So that's why I wanted to bring it up because I thought it was an interesting topic. We haven't discussed I don't think is why is it so hard to walk away from something when it's at that point?

Kristin Wood  
Or let it be. Technically I'm saying the same thing, but I'm thinking about how how we are with relationships or within ourselves. So a little bit of a different way of looking at let it be just being okay with where that is that thing, that relationship yourself and giving it a minute and being content with that when it's not perfect. There's another quote and of course don't know what it is and I'm not gonna remember it. But there's some quote that's around like, what like, What's wrong with being good? Something around like, What is wrong with being good? Why do we always need it to be perfect?

Ralph Andracchio  
There's a Steinbeck quote, that's one of my favorite ones "Now that you don't have to be perfect you can be good."

Kristin Wood  
Okay. Let's see how many quotes we can pull out of our pocket today. I lmost said out of somewhere else but I thought better and said pocket. Yeah,

Ralph Andracchio  
This is the quote show. Now we're just gonna be firing quotes at each other. 

Kristin Wood  
Just gonna do quotes and lyrics Yeah, I think that it's so centered. I just speaking today about this with clients around being good enough. If there's so many people walking around, whether it be a relationship, whether it be their career, whether it be themselves if it's not perfect. It's not good enough with which then translates to, I'm not good enough. So that drive that push to keep going and going and turn it to mush is our own insecurity and fear of being judged. Others seeing the internalized belief that we probably already have that I'm not good enough. Because if somebody else thinks it's not good enough, then it's true. I don't know am I going the right direction here.

Ralph Andracchio  
No, we can go in any direction we want. It's our show.

Kristin Wood  
On the highway. 

Ralph Andracchio  
What 

Kristin Wood  
I was just like I was thinking I was on the highway. We can go anywhere we want

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh, okay. I thought that was like an actual song you were singing? 

Kristin Wood  
Nope, just made it up. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Okay, good. Yeah, please make it up because we can't afford royalties or rights to anything. So make it up, make it up. Make them make the music up. Yeah, and my and I want to be careful when we talk about this because we both are in fields where people want to improve and get better and work on themselves. And I don't think that's what we're talking about today of like work on yourself and like the self discovery and the you know, the the mindfulness and the you know, self advocacy kind of growing your best self. I don't think that's what I'm referencing. I think I'm referencing being able to I think you touched on it for a second being able to stop at certain points and say, I'm good right now. You know, I can I can take a breath I can relax you know, I am the best. I'm going to get it this moment and I want to sit back and enjoy it. I think is what I'm getting at with all this right?

Kristin Wood  
Let me see if I'm on the same page or if I'm on the same wavelength, whatever. Being able to kind of sit back and smell the roses rather than always looking ahead. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Right. Yes. 

Kristin Wood  
So yeah, so we're always again, if I'm going to towards our work or for it where you're trying to go here let me know but we're always a work in progress, right. Most people have areas they want to improve on areas they don't love about things they don't love about themselves. But we spend so much time on those areas, criticizing them and ourselves about it, that we often lose sight of what is good and what we are good at or that we've come this far with this piece and aren't able to just sort of sit back and be content and if we don't do that we're never satisfied. We're never happy. If we're always looking towards our view of the future, which usually what we're talking about anyway includes it being perfect. So it's almost like being happy and content with imperfection. Am I on the right lane?

Ralph Andracchio  
No, yeah, you're you're speaking..

Kristin Wood  
This is your topic so now I really have to ask a lot of questions and check in and make sure I'm not just like going somewhere else. 

Ralph Andracchio  
No, no, no, it's your 1,000% and I think there is I'm measuring my words today. I think there is a we've been trained from a very young age to look for the things that aren't quite right. Because that's how we have been trained to fix things is like look for the things that are wrong and then you can fix them. And then we take it to this extreme where that's all we see then is the is the negative is the things that aren't quote unquote perfect. And if you do that, there's always going to be something to look for that's not quite right. Whereas if you flip it and and try to reframe it positively and just look for look for things that are going well more often than you look for things that are going wrong. It's like what, what Neal was talking about...

Kristin Wood  
Oh my god, I was just thinking that. Sorry, I didn't mean to jump in. But I just think about Neal.

Ralph Andracchio  
It's like the you know, if if all if you're just living in stress land and your painting is all red and your you know, it's hard to see the little bits of joy and positivity. But if you try to look for if it's all the positivity, it's easier to see the stress points, you know, that kind of thing. So, for me, it's like first of all perfection doesn't exist. I will put that on my gravestone when I die because I think it's important. But we've trained ourselves so much to keep you know to take continue the painting metaphor, you know, we worked so hard on our painting so much and we're afraid to step away from it because we've been caught and we've been taught constantly that, you know, if you're not working on something, you're you're not doing anything you're not, you're not being productive. You know what I mean? And so we just talk about the painting and work on the painting and work on the painting and pretty soon it's just this pile of mush that we have no, no idea what we're doing anymore. So I think it's important, like you said, to stop and smell the roses and take a step back every once in a while and say, I'm going to enjoy where I'm at right now. You know, yes, it's not perfect but perfect doesn't exist. It's like this is this is the best I can do right now. And that's okay.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, we I was talking about this over this week and many weeks. about the value on just slowing down the value on relaxing the value on being content the value on not producing. We don't do that. That's the problem. You know, a lot of times we think we have to keep going and going and doing more and doing more and doing this to doing that to it and, and and that makes that fuels us that makes us feel like we're doing something where we're good enough and it gets in it's like doing nothing just sitting back smelling the roses, in society for a lot of people's people's individuals does not have value and that is a huge part of the problem, in my opinion and society for all of us is that. It absolutely does. But a lot of people struggle with that. Does that make sense? 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. Well, I mean, the society we live in right now. Capitalism is built on, you know, people working and not taking breaks and not taking vacation because then you're not feeding into the the cycle of, you know, making money for people. So it doesn't behoove us right now. To get on the the the mindset that we're talking about of taking, you know, taking it easy and working at your own pace and making time for yourself and important things. And every time I talk about this topic, whether to like networking groups or work groups or you know, giving presentations, people you know, it's the same people always agree of like, the system needs to change and the great resignation that's happening right now, the way people are rethinking what work is what jobs they want, what they're not going to settle for. It's causing a lot of friction. And I think it's good, because we need to rethink how we work, why we work, what productive is what work is, you know, how do we make money and not being... um not feeling guilty if our kind of work doesn't look like anybody else's? I mean, I'll be honest, the past couple weeks, I've I've had a breakdown because my work does not look like everybody else's. And you know, it got a little slower than I was comfortable with and I freaked out and it was it was not a fun place to be in but I found myself comparing what I do with other people and saying, oh, gosh, what I'm doing isn't good enough. I have to work harder. I have to do this. I have to sign up for all this stuff. And it took other people telling me you know, we have never seen you work harder. Like you are working so hard. You're not taking a break you're beating yourself up about and it's sometimes it takes that outside point of view. Because we we get blinders and it's it's very we get tunnel vision and it's very hard to see. You know, so that's why it's important to have other people to tell you know, you're you're doing too much. You need to take a break.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's hard when you're in that space because I think andI don't want to speak for you, but similar someone in similar situation if it's not you have is you get insecure. You get really worried fearful, and then that drives it even more, right. And so at that time, you might need somebody to reassure you and remind you that you're, you're okay or you're not not working too hard and or not yeah not, not working too hard. And that, you know, it's gonna work out. So I think that that, that makes a lot of sense. I just said didn't really say a whole lot, but I said and we're here. 

Ralph Andracchio  
We're here and we're talking now I know that totally makes sense. There's another aspect to this that I think is interesting. And I don't know if we've actually covered it, but the walking the stepping back aspect of it or walking away from something when it's when it's good. i Why is it so hard to do that? And I keep thinking in terms of relationships, and because I think that's, that's something that people when you say walk away from it, I think that's immediately what pops into somebody's head is like either work like a job or relationship, which both of them are kind of relationships if you think about it, why it's so hard for us to walk away. Like the job example, I think would resonate with people more right now. This job is not working. I you know, I'm miserable. I'm dragging myself to work every day. It's like, why is it so hard for us to step away from that and say, I'm going to, I'm going to find something else. 

Kristin Wood  
Well, that's a loaded question, I think. I think it's a couple things I think it is. Could be a couple things. I think it's people often feel a sense of failure, even if it wasn't their fault. And so it kind of for some, and I feel like I say this so many times a day feeling not good enough or that I failed. There's that and I think there's also so much fear of the unknown. So even when something isn't working, right, there's there's predictability, certainty even around the dysfunction even around what's not working, the familiarity of it. And so it's often very hard to walk away from that because then you're going into the total unknown, which is also super scary. But then you don't know. You don't know. You don't know what what you're encountering at that point. Will it be worse will it be better will it be different will I know how to navigate it? Whatever it is. People are very comfortable in what they know even when what they know is making them miserable. I felt that should be a quote at that moment. And I was like, oh, no, it really isn't that profound but I...

Ralph Andracchio  
That no that is super profound. And it's true.

Kristin Wood  
I'm silly. I'm silly a lot of times on Wednesday. I'm silly right now.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes, no, but it's the truth. And it's so it's true. And it's sad. At the same time that you know, the the devil you know, is better than the devil that you don't know. You know, I would rather be miserable where I'm at because at least it's a known quantity. Rather than stepping out of my comfort zone into something new and different. Where I don't know what's going to happen. But then, you know, I've been in jobs and I'm sure everybody listening has been in jobs like this. I'm sure you've been in jobs where every time you think about leaving you immediately your soul like brightens up and like the flowers bloom and the sun comes out and it's like, oh, wouldn't that be nice if I could just walk away from this job? You know, you that counts for something. I think like if you're if you're doing something and the thought of not doing it fills you with joy, follow that feeling.

Kristin Wood  
Well that's when I would be like I want to work in a tiki bar in the Bahamas. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh man yeah.

Kristin Wood  
And that's all I want to do right now and I want to leave this job or like every every other job seems amazing. Alright guys, I digress. And then I lost my train of thought.

Ralph Andracchio  
That's my dream job. I would. That's what I like I want to retire 

Kristin Wood  
Like in Cocktail or something. Or like...

Ralph Andracchio  
Warm and sandy and serve drinks to people and I don't even know how to make a lot of drinks. But that's like nobody would care because we were all having fun. And you know people would be able to play whatever music they want on the jukebox and like I just I didn't that's what I want my life to be

Kristin Wood  
Would it be outside or inside 

Ralph Andracchio  
Outside 

Kristin Wood  
Oh okay cuz I was just like there's a place down the down the beach here. There's a Marriott hotel there. So really ridiculously nice Marriott hotel down down the I was gonna say down the street down the street Beach, whatever you call it. It's on the beach. And they have like a little they have a whole bunch of stuff. But one of the things they have is like a little Tiki Bar outside where you can get like sandwiches and you can get drinks I don't know about the music part. But I was like, Oh Ralph that's for you. We're like, I don't even know where we are. Now. I got lost.

Ralph Andracchio  
When it's when it's fills you with joy to think about walking away from your job.

Kristin Wood  
Yes, that's true. But it's all sort of fantasyland like you and I are now illustrating and it's still so much fear and uncertainty. You know, we get very caught in even when things are negative or bad. Especially when people stay in it. It's familiar and predictable. I mean, I've seen this with even mental - I'm gonna go on a little bit of a tangent. I'll come right back but not a tangent but a mental health piece for a second. Like I've seen this with people are very severely severely depressed, where not being depressed or anxious, was actually very uncomfortable and freaked them out. And it was scary. If you look like at the depressed clients, if I'm not this depressed, I have to actually take responsibility for things I have to actually do things. If I don't have this identity. If I'm not in this world. I then I'm going to have people are gonna have expectations of me. I'm going to have to do more. So it's like when you travel into something different and new, it's very uncomfortable. expectations and responsibilities can change, and especially when you're not even clear on what they will be. That makes sense about the depression thing? 

Ralph Andracchio  
It did, and it becomes your identity. And 

Kristin Wood  
Then your job can be that way, yeah, 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. And that made me think of how much more accessible acceptable connecting it is to hate your job. Because you know, Misery loves company. We all kind of commiserate around Oh boy, I hate my job to go to the Monday am I right? You know, and it's it's it's much rarer to hear somebody say oh my god, I love what I do. Let me tell you that it's usually the the multi level marketers of the pyramid scheme people they're like, oh my god, I love what I do. You should come work with us and you know, so it's, there's this it's weird. There's this negative stigma sometimes about people who do really love what they do because it's so foreign or alien to how we usually think of like, no you you know, you graduate college, you get a job you hate you tough it out for forty years you retire, and then then you can have fun when you retire. And it's it seems so weird and backwards to me.

Kristin Wood  
So funny again, I feel like I brought me down last week and bring them up again. But hey, I'm living with them. My dad is one of those people that since the minute I remember my dad's so young age, my dad's loved to go to work and he started and built a company and to this day at 82 Sorry, dad, he, he loves to go to work. He loves to go to work, and he always had and I always looked at that like, Wow, that's so great. And I've been lucky enough that I found my passion early. In my life. And I will always love going to every job I've had, but I've loved what I do. And I think it's a rarity. And I think when you're not in that space, it's easier to do the whole misery loves company, complain. Whatever it is than it is to make a change, especially if you don't know what you want, especially if you don't know what you want to do or what the next step is. Like if you're stuck. You're like, I hate this, but I have no idea what to do next. The question and uncertainty around like, next steps future is way more profound and impactful than we give it credit for people. Staying stuck is almost easier.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. Yeah. Because it opens up a whole other can of worms. You know, again, it's about the devil we know versus the devil we don't know, you know, and i i the biggest number one roadblock. I think to people being able to step away from something that's not working is money. I think like... 

Kristin Wood  
Money and not knowing what

Ralph Andracchio  
Right I need this paycheck because unfortunately a lot of jobs right now that exist do not pay a living wage. And so people... god especially teachers Jeez, they need to make quintuple what they make right now more than that, but it's like you know you if you do at least I have a paycheck coming in, even if it's like, barely scraping by the alternative is not having anything and so that's that's a consideration for people who you know may want to change. it's not necessarily I mean definitely yes, the aspect of I'm in my comfort zone this is okay i'm miserable but at least this is the miserable I know and I'm comfortable with that's definitely an aspect of it. But if money if money wasn't an object or a concern, I think a lot more people would be doing what we're talking about and like, you know what, I'm gonna find something else because I'm not happy here.

Kristin Wood  
I think we're seeing a lot more of it. Now, like you've mentioned a couple different times. Now I agree with you. There's a lot of people making moves, and I don't even I say a lot based on a small number of people. But even within that small group, I've seen a lot of people making moves but you know, when you're in a space where you're unhappy and then you're thinking about a change, there's also that fear around well, what is this change? I'm still unhappy. That's another that's another big piece like, then there's something wrong with me we're back to that. Yeah, and I, you know what I mean, like, it's not the job it's me, which then there's people like have that piece playing into it.

Ralph Andracchio  
As a therapist, I'm gonna put you... 

Kristin Wood  
Tell me how you really feel as you see my bruises from when I 

Ralph Andracchio  
I didn't want to say anything, but you're 

Kristin Wood  
God I know. I banged my arm this is how easily I bruise on the top of this chair and I look like I was beaten. 

Ralph Andracchio  
You look like you fell down a flight of steps. 

Kristin Wood  
I know. I look like I literally went through some sort of major assault

Ralph Andracchio  
Are you a stunt woman and you didn't tell me? Do youhave a side gig?

Kristin Wood  
I just have these lovely bruises on a regular Anyway, go ahead

Ralph Andracchio  
Anyway. Oh crap. I forgot what I was gonna say.

Kristin Wood  
You said as a therapist and then I had the bruise situation

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh yeah as a therapist, is it ever... How helpful is it to say, there's nothing wrong with me. It's the situation

Kristin Wood  
You mean to a client?

Ralph Andracchio  
No, it's somebody saying that to themselves

Kristin Wood  
Oh. Probably helpful depends on the type of client you're working with.

Ralph Andracchio  
Well sure like barring barring any kind of 

Kristin Wood  
Narcissism or something else yeah.

Ralph Andracchio  
Like issue that you need to work through with somebody who's licensed you know, barring any of that stuff. Generally, I would think it's okay to remind yourself. It's not me it's the situation.

Kristin Wood  
Yes. Because, well, at least with the clients I work with, and that's all I can speak on, because, you know, I don't know what other therapists who other therapists are working with, but the clients I work with tend to be very, very self critical. And so it's always their fault. And so, being able to say, which for many people is when you get away like I'm thinking of one client right now who just got out of a very tough work environment and and I was like, What the hell, like, so happy in the new environment, and it's even before they got into the new environment, when they stepped away and really evaluated what was going on. They were like, Oh, my goodness, like, this was really bad. And then when they got in a new job where they're being treated the way they should be, it's been like, overwhelming, overwhelming and a great way. So yeah, I definitely think that that that's usually a big positive, but I feel like at least again, my client base on that's all I can speak to. So I work with a lot of people with self esteem issues and a lot of people that put a lot of pressure on themselves don't feel good enough people in themselves first. When, for me listening or many people looking in I'm like, this is clearly not you. When you you know it's it depends on what's going on with the person and what their issues like kind of what's going on. For the narcissist they think everything's everybody else's fault, and they're wonderful. So I wouldn't say that about a person that has that personality disorder. But for people that do not, even if that culture works awesome for someone else, if it's terrible for them, then it's terrible for them, period.

Ralph Andracchio  
It's so weird, like we're used to the punishment of it. I feel like sometimes, like we're used, we feel like it's much more natural and normal to be in a negative work environment than in a positive one, and I may be overgeneralizing, but that's kind of I feel like that in my life, like sometimes it feels like looking back on my job history. The the harder.. not the harder the work is but like, the more the more negative the environment is. It's kind of like, oh, this is expected. This is what a job is. You know, and so it's hard to kind of move away from it because you feel like that's, that's the norm.

Kristin Wood  
I know I feel like again, I just have a therapist hat on about it. And maybe it's annoying, but I feel like...

Ralph Andracchio  
That's why we hired you for this job

Kristin Wood  
Where's my paycheck Ralph? No, I just I feel like it's how we value ourselves. I just do if we put up with that, and we think that's okay. And we think it's okay to be unhappy. Plus it's maturity. I'm not gonna, you know, people that are young and new. And of course, they're a little insecure in the workforce. They get that then they're, they're getting they're learning the ropes are not really used in the professional world. But I just think that so many of us again, I just look at it through the lens of the work I do. I just think so many people tolerate so much stuff, and they shouldn't and they don't realize how much it's affecting them. And that's why this stuff continues to go. continues to happen.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. And now I want to connect it to like personal relationships because that's that's bubbling up in my brain hearing us talk about this. 

Kristin Wood  
Those are my jam. Let's do it. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Right? Why is it so hard to walk away from a personal relationship that's not working? And I think, Oh, I think a lot of the stuff we've been talking about for work for work translates over to personal relationships, right? Like we're, you know... bless you

Kristin Wood  
I'm doing all kinds of stuff...

Ralph Andracchio  
it's a loose show today. Really loose loosey goosey. It's okay, that's what people enjoy about it. But that's, that's kind of like the punch line of comedy. is like, Oh, I'm in this crappy marriage with this person that hates me, but we love each other. But Oh god, I have to go home to this person. It's like, how abusive and like terrible is that if you think about it, if you're going to be in a relationship with somebody, it should be like yeah, I get to go home and see that my favorite person and we're gonna you know hug and eat dinner

Kristin Wood  
Oh, so many things. I could speak on that. Keep it professional Kristin keep it professional. I just think that it's same thing. It's like a fear of the unknown. Like, could I do better? Is this all I deserve? Same thing. I mean, that's literally what people are doing. And I think a lot of people enter into relationships and marriages with these rose colored glasses on a perfectionism and quickly realize that nothing's like that. And then it's very disappointing and upsetting. And then some people work on it and it gets better. Some people get out, and some people sit in it. And then like I said, minutes ago, they're very comfortable because it's predictable, but they're not happy. People then get comfortable in not being happy. Mm hmm. And we see it all the time. You don't have to be a therapist or life coach to see it. We all everyone listening has seen this. Oh, that's not everybody. Of course. Thank God. There's people that are together and they're happy but then you see a lot of people that aren't and they just kind of like throw their own hands up they're like well this is what I signed up for, which I'm not saying everybody should like run away every time they're not happy. But I also think that a lot of people get comfortable in that. It's it's like the opposite of perfectionism. It's accepting that things are so beyond and not perfect. But I don't know how or want to do anything about it.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, but yeah, wow. That just blew my mind a little bit because I've I've been preaching so much that perfection doesn't exist and like it's the best you can do at the moment. The opposite of that is what you just said, you know, everything's broken. That's the way it is. And I'm just going to accept that and you know, it doesn't get any better. That's just as toxic as thinking everything needs to be 100%. spick and span perfect and...

Kristin Wood  
I think, yeah. Sorry. No, you go ahead I'm sorry.

Ralph Andracchio  
No, we're being so polite. It's the polite show now it's the polite talk. No, you go 

Kristin Wood  
No, I was cutting you off and I don't want...

Ralph Andracchio  
it's like if there's people out there who met their their person in high school, like their high school sweethearts, they've been married for eighty years. You know? That's wonderful. If you if you found your person that early and you've been together all that time and you're still like chugging along and happy. Mazel tov. That's amazing, you know? But that's not everybody. And I think that's important to mention is that every relationship is different. Every every work relationships different every personal relationships different. Don't compare yours to other people. But then I also want to say the person you met and got into relationship with that was a specific point in time. You were a specific person, that person was a specific person at that specific point in time. People are not static. People change people grow people shift. And if after two months, two years, two weeks, whatever the case may be, you feel like, I don't know if this is my jam anymore. That's okay. You know, it's okay to say that because you shifted and changed and, you know, I think we have this this weird idea, especially in America, of like, you meet a person young, you get married, you have kids, you have you go through this whole life cycle. And if you if you get beyond a certain age, it's like, oh, you've aged out of the process too bad you're a spinster now, or you're, you know, terrible Yeah, it's terrible. Like, do what do you you know, and whatever. Whatever you find along the way, whoever you you connect with, and I mean, I think it's, I think it's a wonderful I think it's a wonderful muscle to work if you can look back on your previous relationships with rose colored glasses and say, You know what, maybe I miss you know, I missed that person. It was maybe it ended terribly, or maybe this but you know, we got together for a reason. And, you know, it was what it was and it was an interesting point in my life. I don't know, I may be rambling at this point. But...

Kristin Wood  
I like the fact that we brought up the opposite of what we started with, which is people that just settle for total imperfection. If you want to call it that. You know, I don't think either is good. I think the middle is good wishes that content and satisfied, I think falls brightness smack in the middle. And I think that's a reasonable place to reach and be and I think that people that met in high school and are together 30 years later and are happy or content are satisfied. grew together, love their partner. I think pushing yourself so hard to be perfect. At what we're talking about relationships now. So we'll do that. But then there's people that don't try at all anymore and give up and don't just accept. I don't want to say imperfection just unhappiness.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, yeah. And...

Kristin Wood  
I think that's very sad too. Like I think there's there's two extremes and I there, there's no way to feel to sustain Oh, you can sustain to contently sustain either. You weren't up you're never going to be ecstatically happy and that and love that you are when you first meet someone. We were talking about high school sweethearts. 18. Let's just say and What was I trying to say, um, 

Ralph Andracchio  
I don't know. 

Kristin Wood  
I don't know either. And you're not going to get nothing's going to get any better if you're unhappy and you just sit there in that like, kind of just speaks to the idea of work within a relationship I guess which is a little bit of a tangent but relevant, I believe, like you, you have to put work in. So even the couples have stayed together for 70 years. They put work in. They weren't ecstatic. With each other and then love and feeling like going to jump your bones and spend every minute all those years, but they worked through it and they grew together and they're content and they're happy and they love each other. So it's the same thing with like being unhappy. It's like you either sit in that and just grind it out and die, I guess till you die. Or you make a move which that move is to repair a relationship or to leave relationship. But I think there's a lot again, it goes back to what we started talking about the beginning of this leaving relationship that we're not happy with is very scary. Especially if we've been with someone for like 20 Some years and you're now want to go out into the world and like figure out dating like what, so it's easier sometimes to just stay in the unhappiness because it's very predictable. It's comfortable. I've been unhappy for a while. And what the heck does out there have? Like what's gonna happen is it gonna be worse? I'm like kind of just circled right on back to how we started out just gonna. I don't even know we're talking about today and

Ralph Andracchio  
Expert level hosting right there. They're gonna write a book about...

Kristin Wood  
Are we on the list for an Oscar? They're they're coming up two weeks are we nominated?

Ralph Andracchio  
We were snubbed this year for the Oscars. Maybe next year. I can always hold out hope. No, I love everything. You said. It's, it's, it's work. It's a process. But it's also asking for what you need and what you want. You can't stay silent in any of this in a work environment in a personal relationship. If you don't ask for what you want. You're not going to get it. If you don't ask for what you need. You're not going to get it. And yeah, so communication is paramount and all of this and I know it's we're not used to it and it can be hard. But that's that's very telling if the person you're in a relationship with, meets, you know if you are asking for what you want and what you need, and if that person gets defensive or is very negative and shoots it down, or like gaslights you or whatever, that's a huge red flag right there. Like, maybe this is not the space I should be in right now. But if the person you're in a relationship with listens to you and was like, oh, cool, yeah, let's work on that. That sounds like a good idea. Great. I want I want you to be happy. Let's get you what you need. That's different. That's a different story. You know, like there's, there's a way and I would hope both people do that for each other in the relationship.

Kristin Wood  
Think of how many shifts and turns and compromises and everything else... people that have been together like my parents, maybe yours too, Ralph, I'm not sure. My parents have been together 60 Some years and they're they've got their interesting idiosyncracies we'll say I don't know what the word is just leave it at that. Like all the shifts and turns and yeah, they bicker and it what but like how many things you have to do to make that work for that long. And look, I don't think that they should get a gold star over someone else that it didn't work it just did for them. They just did for whatever reason. And that's that for people that can't make it work or don't or whatever life circumstances throws them that's it I don't know I feel like we're on a thing.

Ralph Andracchio  
No, I you know I My parents have been together for 46, 47 years around then. Yeah, that wasn't all wine and roses either it's a lot of work but you know, you see them and they're so in love still and they you know, they they they truly like each other I hope. And they are making it work. You know, I mean, for me, I've been in my relationship for 21 years now. And it's like I couldn't. Yes, it's been hard, but I couldn't imagine life without Dan. You know he's... I didn't mean to make you cry

Kristin Wood  
For anyone that can't see. I love Ralph, as you all know, and I love Dan just as much.

Ralph Andracchio  
But the thing that I joke about which is kind of what we've been what you've been saying is that, oh my god, if I had to go back into the dating world after 22 years or 21 years, I would I would be lost. I mean, I'm only 46 but I would feel like an 86 year old asking my grand children like, where do I go to find somebody? Is it Hinge is it Bumble. I don't know, you know, what does it mean to swipe left? Why am i What is this? Why do I have to pay extra? So I couldn't. I couldn't. I'm at the point now where I'm very content with where I'm at. But it's a good happy content. It's not like I'm settling. It's like, I've worked... I've worked for this to be where it is right now. And I'm very happy with that. And it's it's like a supportive, foundational part of my life where I mean if I had to go through everything I've gone through in the last couple of weeks by myself, I would have I would have driven myself into the river you know,

Kristin Wood  
Is Dan listening? Does he hear you saying... just kidding. 

Ralph Andracchio  
He will hear this I'm sure.

Kristin Wood  
I think all this speaks as much as I thought we kind of went off topic. I don't think we did that because I think it speaks to the imperfections of content and happy that the being imperfect and struggling is part of being your own. Like let's look at it as your own definition of perfect like, I only want to use that word but I'm trying to be eloquent. It's not coming out but I'm trying to say is that everything not perfect. All your ducks not in a perfect row. Some outstanding problems can be good, real good. But not perfect. Signing off from Florida.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah that's a... I think that's a good point to end on. I think that's wonderful. 

Kristin Wood  
I sound like a newscaster right there. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Right. 

Kristin Wood  
It's like David Miur at the end of World News only not as depressing.

Ralph Andracchio  
Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. No, I think that's a great point to end on him imperfect as fun. And I think going back to what we started off with a quote about art and like being able to walk away from a piece of art and saying it's done if I work on this anymore, I'm gonna ruin it. Same thing you know, anything that you leave their imperfections, quote, unquote, that opens more doors and opportunities for discovery and growth. This is interesting this is fun. I didn't notice that before if everything was perfect, none of none of those opportunities would exists. Because yeah, the imperfections are what makes life fun and interesting.

Kristin Wood  
And I always think of this, I don't know. I'm not even going to tell you where I heard this quote because it's embarrassing, but some people are only in your life for a season. And I think you could look at that with jobs too like, being able to recognize that this was this person, this relationship this job was here to teach me X. It's what I do a lot with my clients. I'm trying to make them understand that like, this was not a waste of time. Like not to be corny, or but everything's a journey and it's meant to happen in my opinion, which is not therapy, but is sort of the way I look at the world to teach you this and then to teach you this, and some people and some jobs are here and some whatevers are here for just a minute, you know, hot minute or season and they're here for this reason, it might be an ugly lesson. It might not be pretty or anything you wanted to go through, and then they're meant to go and then other jobs other people other relationships are here for a lifetime. And I always remember that because I think it's so true because sometimes we try to hold on too long. To make that job perfect. That relationship perfect. That person perfect ourselves perfect and we don't recognize that like even with ourselves. If we're having a rough time. Is this bad season it's a stormy season doesn't mean we're always going to be there.

Ralph Andracchio  
Wow. Wow,

Kristin Wood  
I didn't come up with that. I just said it. 

Ralph Andracchio  
That was fire and brimstone. I liked it. I have nothing else to add. That was great. 

Kristin Wood  
I silenced Ralph.

Ralph Andracchio  
You did I am speechless. Well done. It's hard to do.

Kristin Wood  
I mean, I did not make that up. That was not me. That was the thing I heard that spoke it. I think about it a lot.

Ralph Andracchio  
It's i I will think about that now too. I think that's great. Yeah. Awesome. How did that work out that I sprung that topic on you? 

Kristin Wood  
I thought I did okay, Ralph with ya. Um, given that I have I feel like I have vacation brain and I'm a little bit of a mush. But I thought it was alright. 

Ralph Andracchio  
I thought that was great. Florida brain at all.

Kristin Wood  
Florida brain, yup.

Ralph Andracchio  
Florida brain. Alright. Cool. I think this is a good place to sign off.

Kristin Wood  
Yes. Thank you, everybody. We'll see you back. I will I will be back in Philly with Ralph, which I'm happy about.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, I'm happy to and we'll have two really great guests to round out the season. We're we're rapidly approaching the end of season three, which is amazing. And our anniversary is coming up June

Kristin Wood  
What oh, we gotta have a party. Pizza?

Ralph Andracchio  
I think we're gonna have a party. Maybe we'll do a live something will try live again but like for real this time.

Kristin Wood  
Or like maybe all our guests and pizza 

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh I like that. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, and balloons.

Ralph Andracchio  
The sun is hitting my screen

Kristin Wood  
Well it's time for you to sign off the sun is telling you bye 

Ralph Andracchio  
The sun is telling me that it's time to sign off. Alright everybody, thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time.

Kristin Wood  
Bye

Ralph Andracchio  
Bye

Kristin Wood  
Bye.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai