Anatomy of a Toxic Relationship - S04E03

On this week’s show Kristin and I are talking all about toxic people and relationships, how to notice them, not get into them, and if you do, how to get out.

Kristin's Website
Ralph's Linktree

Send us your questions! We may tackle yours in an upcoming episode!
heyletmeaskyousomething@gmail.com

DISCALIMER:
The views expressed on the Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast are solely the opinions of your hosts Kristin Wood and Ralph Andracchio and are based on their years of practical and clinical experience. These opinions do not constitute any kind of advice, diagnosis, or treatment of any mental, physical, or emotional issues. If you are having an emergency or any serious ongoing situations please contact your local hospital or a trusted professional.

Transcript

The Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast
Season 04
Episode 03
Anatomy of a Toxic Relationship

[MUSIC INTRO PLAYS]

Ralph Andracchio  
Time to get curious! It's the Hey Let Me Ask You Something podcast, the show dedicated to inspiring more people to ask more questions and more interesting conversations. On this week's show, Kristin and I are talking all about toxic people and toxic relationships, how to notice them, not get into them, and if you do, how to get out. 

Ralph Andracchio  
But I think toxic people are a little bit more slow and insidious like they, they eat away at you.

Kristin Wood  
That's the kind of thing where we feel so good around this person. But it's not and you think this is what it's supposed to be but it's really not because it's not realistic.

Ralph Andracchio  
Finding someone that complements you rather than completes you because if you're looking outside of yourself for completion, you ain't never gonna find it.

Kristin Wood  
I also think though, that once we see that a person is not making us feel good, let's put it that way. I think sometimes a lot of why we continue is our own stuff.

Ralph Andracchio  
The best way for you to help us inspire more conversations and easily find more of our killer episodes is to hit that subscribe button and share this show with your friends. And check us out on YouTube if you want to see us as well as hear us. And remember, we love that you're listening but the show is for entertainment and we are not your therapist or your coach. We are not providing professional advice either from us or our guests. Give the full disclaimer in the show notes at once over for more on that. Alright folks, let's start the conversation.

Ralph Andracchio  
So tell me more about your bracelet making.

Kristin Wood  
Yes, I um I have these bracelets if anyone's noticed they're really old. 

Ralph Andracchio  
They're cute. I like 'em. Little friendship bracelets.

Kristin Wood  
I make them with my niece. And then I've literally had the same ones on my arm for a year which says a lot for the bracelet making thing. And I saw her over the weekend and she was like Aunt Kristin, we're not going to have time because we were there for my nephew's communion. To make bracelets and so I made one for you in a heart. She's cute. So I ordered myself a bracelet making kit. So everyone's getting bracelets like it or not.

Ralph Andracchio  
I love it. And that speaks to how sturdy they are, if you've been wearing them for a year. 

Kristin Wood  
And this is a child's kit, these things probably need to go in the trash. But I can't bear to get rid of... this one. I can't get rid of him because my niece made this one. The other two might need to take a rest so I made them

Ralph Andracchio  
Well are they elastic bands? 

Kristin Wood  
Yes, that's what that's the key. But can you believe it? I haven't taken them off and I was in June last year. I've never taken them off. And they're still on my arm they break

Ralph Andracchio  
Your wrist is probably really dirty. 

Kristin Wood  
Kristin's probably really dirty and there's a tan line already so dirty wrist.

Ralph Andracchio  
No I mean make if it's if it means something to you keep going sometimes no matter how like random Yeah, I don't I don't really look at people's accoutrement. And I'm like... 

Kristin Wood  
Oh that's a word

Ralph Andracchio  
right?

Kristin Wood  
Big Word Wednesday here in Philly. 

Ralph Andracchio  
What a word Wednesday. I don't people look at people's bracelets or accessories and I'm like, That's gross. Unless it's like...

Kristin Wood  
Food on it or it's ripped terribly

Ralph Andracchio  
Has food dripping off of it or something which is Yeah, no, I mean, usually it's sentimental. I mean something's here so yeah,

Kristin Wood  
I'm not gonna lose sleep about it. We're gonna have fun with my little kit though.

Ralph Andracchio  
No, yeah. I expect a bracelet. Well, what letters would you put on my bracelet?

Kristin Wood  
I don't know. I've already been thinking what I would... what I would put for like one for you and some of my other friends and I don't know yet. I'm kind of like I'll let the Spirit move me

Ralph Andracchio  
The bracelet making spirit. Yes.

Kristin Wood  
What's going on? You're not making bracelets

Ralph Andracchio  
I'm not making bracelets I did. I did repair a bracelet that I have with I bought some elastic bands from Michael's and repaired some stuff but I am not. I have not explored my my jewelry making skills as of late 

Kristin Wood  
Well, I'll be happy to bring my kit over if you want 

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh, yeah, let's have jewelry making night. Sunday fun day. Make it Sunday, whatever it is. Yeah, like that. What have I been doing? I've been getting a lot more focused on improv. So I've been coaching a bunch of teams. I'm teaching a class looking to perform more. So I'm really happy that everything started to open back up because I'm stepping back into my my performance, Persona and it's really, really nice.

Ralph Andracchio  
Pretty soon you're gonna have to sign an autograph for me or autograph something for me?

Ralph Andracchio  
I will. Yes. Why I have Have you ever. Do you remember when you used to practice your signature when you're growing up? Oh, my God. I'm sure I filled three notebooks just practicing what I wanted my signature look like and how it looks like today is nothing like I practiced.

Kristin Wood  
No me neither. They push so much like proper penmanship, then and then like bubble letters came along and it was over. But I still have really good penmanship.

Ralph Andracchio  
Do they still teach cursive?

Kristin Wood  
I don't know. Anyone that knows. Write us please Let us know and even an email at Gmail on email things.

Ralph Andracchio  
Generic gmail.com Yeah, yeah, I heard somewhere that they don't teach penmanship anymore like not penmanship, but like they don't teach cursive anymore because nobody writes in cursive anymore.

Kristin Wood  
That would be a waste of a class to be quite honest. Like what do you need it for you have to know to sign your name but like,

Ralph Andracchio  
But that that's cursive. Right?

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. Mine's a mix. Mostly is cursive though.

Ralph Andracchio  
Wow. I'm going to look that up. I will report back next show. If people still teach cursive in school,

Kristin Wood  
if you don't know what we're talking about, then they probably don't.

Ralph Andracchio  
Right. I was said I was going to look on my phone but we're recording with my phone so I can't look it up. That's fine. That's fine.

Kristin Wood  
I also forgot I want to cut you off. But I forgot a big giant announcement. The pool opened, I was at the pool on Sunday 

Ralph Andracchio  
When are we coming over? 

Kristin Wood  
Whenever you want. I'll be there all day Saturday is going to be hot as hell here in Philadelphia and I am there all day. You are welcome. 

Ralph Andracchio  
That's awesome.

Kristin Wood  
You know y'all heard me talk about tennis and the pool over and over again. My happy time has arrived.

Ralph Andracchio  
My body is ready for the beach.

Kristin Wood  
Right I want to do that to do a day trip.

Ralph Andracchio  
Speaking of that, I've I have been keeping up on Twitter on the Twitter verse with the there was some weird controversy non controversy about the swim the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue they put...

Kristin Wood  
I love the way they were doing that. 

Ralph Andracchio  
They put a I don't even know. Like a more voluptuous model. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah a plus size model 

Ralph Andracchio  
A plus size model. I don't I don't even know if that's a correct term. I want to make sure I'm addressing everybody properly but looked wonderful. I saw the cover. It's great. Very sexy, great swimsuit. You know, she's beautiful, you know? And then some guy was like, No, this isn't pretty. You can never tell me like society's forcing us to find. Get Yeah, you know what, then don't buy it. Don't look at it. 

Kristin Wood  
Look away. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Go look at something else. That's it's, it bugs me to no end when people feel like, oh, I don't like this thing. So it's wrong and everybody should not like that thing. Yeah. Go go soak your head. Ya know? 

Kristin Wood  
They also had a 74 year old woman on there. And to something else, just for diversity sake. I can't remember. But yeah, there's a 74 year old woman in there as well. 

Ralph Andracchio  
That's awesome. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, they put all types of people in there all types of women. Sports Illustrated is really I don't want to go on a thing. But again, Sports Illustrated. We'd be happy if you want to sponsor us. Because I'm a big fan. They have embraced diversity and represented having different types of women represented. They've been slowly every time they've been doing more and more and more and I love that. I think that that's great, but they were kind of on board. I think you know, for a hot minute now.

Ralph Andracchio  
It's it's a slow process to become more inclusive and more open minded and more accepting and more you know, whatever. For you know, adjectives you want to use. It's not gonna happen overnight. I realized that it's a long slog through the mud. But every day hope you know, the hope is that every day gets a little tiny inch better for representation for people. You know, and it's it's hard to say that as somebody who lives in in the United States and is fearful that you know, hard fought rates are going to be taken away this year. So every little bit of representation makes makes a difference. And I think it's up to all of us the the death, I think the death of any kind of bigotry. Is familiarity. You know, the more people you know, who are of a marginalized class of people, whether it be LGBTQ people bipoc disabled people, you know, neurodivergent whatever the case may be, the more people you know, like that, the harder it is to discriminate, the harder it is to hate people who you know and love. Yeah. So, I think it's on all of us to expand our circles and I'm hanging out with a bunch of different people. It's why we live in the big city. It's why I live in a big city. I live in a pretty diverse neighborhood actually. In South Philly, there's, we live right next to a school and it's, you know, very, very diverse grade school. The community is very diverse. You know, we go out to bars and restaurants very diverse population. It's like, it's nice, you know, to hear different languages to hear different stories, you know, to see different faces. I you know, it's nice to not just see, pudgy, pasty white guys with beards walking around,

Kristin Wood  
I can't stand walking around looking at everybody looks like me all the time.

Ralph Andracchio  
yeah, we could do a whole other we could do a whole other episode about that. But you had an interesting idea about something sticking in your brain about toxic people. 

Kristin Wood  
Toxic relationshpis. Toxicpeople. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, because that the the swimsuit issue thing made me think about that because it was one guy. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. That was thinking about how I was going to connect him to our conversation. 

Ralph Andracchio  
One toxic man Of course it's a white freakin white dude who has to ruin the birthday party for everybody. It's it's these what how would you define toxic though? I think that's that's a good place to start 

Kristin Wood  
That's a big one. Laying that on me huh? 

Ralph Andracchio  
Well, you have more degrees than I do.

Kristin Wood  
I think that toxic if you think of the word toxic just in and of itself, I don't have a definition in front of me but it's something that is poisonous, right? Is that the right? Is that a good synonym? 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. 

Kristin Wood  
Poisonous, dangerous, bad for you. Something is toxic, then it's usually not good for you. And oftentimes it can make you not feel well. If you're just thinking about not people.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, just toxic in general. Is is something that over time, wears away at your resiliency. 

Kristin Wood  
Whether it be physically or emotionally or mentally

Ralph Andracchio  
And if... I don't know if anybody can hear this either on the video or on on the podcast. But all of my windows and doors are open because it's a gorgeous day here in Philadelphia. So if you hear a random if you hear random helicopter or a car or a horn or children playing, it just adds to the the ambiance of the show.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, welcome to Philadelphia, We're giving you a little piece of Philadelphia.

Ralph Andracchio  
A little taste of where we live. So deal with it. Yeah, I think, I think you're on track of like, but I feel like toxic is a little more insidious than poisonous. I think poison get your quick.

Kristin Wood  
True. I like the way Yeah, 

Ralph Andracchio  
Toxic gets ya slow. It wears down on you. And I feel like when it comes to people, I think that's even more accurate that I think we all know poisonous people who like the second we meet them. We're like, I don't like you and you don't get along and you're like, I never want to see that person. Again. I think that there people exist like that. But I think toxic people are a little bit more slow and insidious. Like they, they they they you know, they eat away at you and that's what makes it more dangerous, I think is because I mean, I can only think of an example as an example our current political environment because that's what we just had an election here in Pennsylvania, primary and the person who won the Republican nomination for Governor of Pennsylvania is a very toxic person who, you know, marched in, marched in the January 6 insurrection wants to take away women's rights and bodily autonomy would not certify the election if a Democrat won the presidential elections is the nominee this is just the nominee. Right but his way of thinking and you know, a lot of people in the United States way of thinking like that. It didn't just happen overnight. It's a very toxic way of thinking about life and about the body politic and about the future and who deserves what rights and you know, it doesn't happen overnight, just like repairing the damage doesn't happen overnight. The damage doesn't happen overnight. So I think the you know, calling out the toxicity when you see it and calling it what it is is is important.

Kristin Wood  
I don't know why I was just thinking about carbon monoxide. It's something that's toxic... 

Ralph Andracchio  
What are you thinking? Do you... do you feeling lightheaded? Should we open more windows?

Kristin Wood  
I was thinking is that a good example outside of people? It's something that's toxic over time, but you don't know it or see it right away.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes, we're getting. We're getting down a weird rabbit hole but I don't know but I like it.

Kristin Wood  
I'm sitting here trying to think of a synonym for toxic in my head. 

Ralph Andracchio  
No no no. Well, Britney Spears obviously. I wouldn't be a good gay if I didn't mention the classic banger from Britney Spears, Toxic. I would think not so much carbon monoxide but radon because 

Kristin Wood  
Weird, I went in a weird place.,

Ralph Andracchio  
No, I like it. I think radon would be a better connection because radon doesn't get you right away, but it causes cancer. Or like lead. Yeah, like lead paint. lead pipes, those? I think eating lead. Right.

Kristin Wood  
Don't Eat lead.

Ralph Andracchio  
Right. Don't just don't don't do it. I think that's one of the reasons why the Roman Empire fell right. lead pipes.  

Kristin Wood  
Oh, don't ask me history questions because I will embarrass us both on this podcast right now.

Ralph Andracchio  
They all slowly went crazy. I don't know again. I'm open for somebody to tell me I'm very wrong but I read that somewhere maybe it was on The Onion I don't know. Wouldn't be the first person who mistook an Onion article for fact. But back to toxic people. Yeah, we all know them. We've all had a toxic person in our life. And why do we keep them around in the first place?

Kristin Wood  
I think lot of times, they draw you in. There's something whether that be a challenge of getting close to them or they present as very as all the things you'd be looking for they present as fun they present as wanting to be your friend or partner. They present as... Yeah, I mean they can present one way and then you find out later there are different way. I also think though, that once we see that a person is not making us feel good. Let's put it that way. I think sometimes a lot of why we continue is our own stuff, like our own insecurities with our self, our own self esteem that maybe this person plays out. Maybe they like maybe they represent something like they're triggering something from our own selves, that we're trying to kind of fix within the relationship. I've seen that a lot. If that makes sense.

Ralph Andracchio  
It does. So is a toxic person just by definition also a charismatic person because I because I think I well I hopefully we all feel this way but I feel like I would be having have a good sense of self enough that if I felt like somebody was like bad for me or taking advantage of me, I would not hang out with them anymore. So I would think that a toxic person might have a little knack for charisma. I don't know.

Kristin Wood  
I don't know. I feel like I think I don't know, like many episodes that we've had. I really feel like this issue. Very much stems around self esteem.

Ralph Andracchio  
So it's more of the person that is the receiver of the toxicity than the person giving off the toxicity.

Kristin Wood  
Right because if a person is triggering very negative stuff from your past and maybe your present as well, or is making you feel a certain way that's familiar, maybe from your childhood or growing up. Sometimes we can get into these dynamics with these individuals where it's where it's like, if you you're almost trying and I'm going really deep and I don't know if this is too deep but you do you're almost trying to resolve past issues that this relationship mimics through that this current relationship. So for instance, if you had a parent that was very emotionally unavailable as a child, and that's was very difficult for you and you never really got your needs met, and then you end up with a partner. That's just like that. That wanting to hang on to not just obviously other things about the person, but that triggers that very, very much and it keeps you pursuing and pursuing and trying to get those needs met because you're trying to to fulfill an unmet need from your childhood that is being played out in this relationship. That makes sense?

Ralph Andracchio  
So are we this has come up before for people I've with people I've talked to and this is this is the the analogy that pops into my head the most is it like when we have a song stuck in our head and it keeps replaying in our head because we our brain is trying to finish it. And so we keep repeating the song, trying to finish the song and like get that kind of get that closure, because the only way life life hack for everybody listening, if you have a song stuck in your head, the only way to get it out of your head is to finish the song. So like play the song on your iTunes or Spotify or whatever or like sing it the whole way through and that gets it out of your head. So that's usually what I think of when we're like trying, we replay stuff from our life or like get into the same relationship all the time. It's like, we're trying to make it end a different way or like reach the end of whatever it is.

Kristin Wood  
Right. Like another example it could be a partner or a friend, someone who's very critical of you. And let's say that was how you grew up. And that's what you experienced was a critical parent or both of them are critical of you. Then trying to be perfect and not give them a way to criticize you within the relationships is a way to same thing trying to finish the song. So I don't I'm not every person I'm gonna say this and then I might retract. I don't know that every toxic relationship or I guess I'll ask the question means that the other person you're in the relationship with is, is a bad person. Or you know what I mean? Like? I think of the example of somebody who is lacking that emotional connect growing up doesn't get the emotional needs met, right? They very often will pick a partner maybe friends too, because it's familiar, that can't meet their emotional needs. So I don't know if this falls under the toxic or not. But if you pick and pursue people and you don't know you're doing it, you're not like oh go find another emotionally unavailable person. Often and, but that tends to happen that way. So if you are then pursuing people unknowingly or subconsciously who can't, can't be emotional can't validate your remote, they're just not able to prove their own stuff. That they came into adulthood with, then is if it's just that, that is toxic for the person that's continuing to do that, but is that person on the other end really a bad person? No, they just aren't going to be able to meet the needs for you. So that becomes a toxic environment for you that they that you're gonna keep on trying and trying and feeling not enough and feeling alone and feeling all these things. When that person is just not you chose someone that's just not going to work for you, but not because they're intentionally a bad person or toxic terrible person.

Ralph Andracchio  
So this is interesting because following that logic that you just put out 

Kristin Wood  
I kind of am asking, 

Ralph Andracchio  
but no, it's it's interesting point is there then such a thing as a toxic person because like, I'll use myself as an example if I'm, if I keep finding partners or people to go out with and spend my time with that are just familiar because they're like, fulfilling this weird need or like this roleplay or whatever it is that I've had in my in my life. That's not good for me, but I keep doing it, subconsciously. It's not necessarily my faults because I'm not doing it consciously. I'm not set like you said, I'm not going in saying like, this person is terrible for me. Here we go. And that person doesn't know like they're just being them. So neither person is really consciously being toxic. Oh, this is interesting. So then toxic relationships. I mean, I'm sure there are people out there who are knowingly mean, and like knowingly hurt people.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah very critical and judgmental and bring people down and that's that's not a nice person.

Ralph Andracchio  
But I think for the majority of relationships that we would define as toxic maybe it is just two people that really shouldn't be together. They're incompatible. So I mean, hopefully that that would get people out there thinking if you feel like all you do is find toxic people or, you know, it might not be that they're toxic. It may just be you're looking for these really incompatible people.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. Maybe it's a different category then toxic. I think. When I think of toxic I also think of people it's really hard to let go of, you may logically see in front of you that this person is not good. The situation is not good. But you're having a hard time letting go and oftentimes the reason you're having a hard time letting go I think is all the stuff that has to do with you. And things that aren't healed within you. Because that's usually the case. Like somebody's treating you bad and underneath it all you think you want can't do any better than this. Yeah, I'm putting up with it. I mean, the other thing too, where the person who's who's not a bad wording to use, maybe a person who's not toxic, but that's incompatible when they turn when it turns to toxic and my book is when the individual who's struggling with this person communicates that what this person is doing is hurting them and is is especially someone who's critical, or just judgmental or whatever. Like if you then go to this person and tell them that this behavior is hurtful to them and makes them feel a certain way. I feel like if that keeps continuing and that person's got their own issues, it's doing that to you. But if that continues and you keep like allowing yourself to be in that situation, then maybe then we can slap a toxic label on it. When it's intentional versus unintentional.

Ralph Andracchio  
Right when it when it crosses the when it crosses the river into intentional territory, then that person I think could be labeled toxic. Right?

Kristin Wood  
Right. Then I look at it another way. But I go another way and I think well, maybe somebody that's critical struggles with not being that way. Maybe that criticism has to do with their own anxiety around the relationship or their difficulty getting closer. A plethora of different reasons I'm sure as to whether they're being the way they are most people are just not straight up mean or almost a psychopath, like, you know, just like mean to other people and hurt people on purpose. There's usually an underlying reason, but maybe that's too much of my therapist hat on that. I don't know. Well, also the bully versus the kid who's bullied the bully is just as messed up... I almost cursed... as the person being bullied.

Ralph Andracchio  
No cursing. Yeah, and I think there's a little bit of projection in there too. Because usually, and again, I can only think of our current political climate, but usually there's one there's one party that accuses the other now very much so which which bugs the hell out of me and is very dangerous is Republicans saying Democrats are pedophiles and groomers and you know it's very dangerous folks. Please don't do that. There. There are actual pedophiles out there who need to be caught and and you know punished for their crimes. It's not something to be thrown around. But usually, you know, when there's some kind of sex scandal or you know, people who are advocating for underage marriage and not let you know, no want to take away both abortion rights with no exceptions for rape or incest. Guess which party does that it's the spoiler alert. It's the Republican Party. So usually when somebody is accusing you of something very heinous, or group of people who's accusing you of something very heinous. Check their backgrounds, because I guarantee you there's a skeleton or two there that has a lot to do with what they're accusing you of. It's not not projection deflection. There's another word for it that I can't think of.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah I can't think of that word.

Ralph Andracchio  
But yeah, so there's I think there's some of that in this too, in terms of like, if you're with somebody who's very, you would describe as toxic and very demeaning to you and critical and, you know, it's usually because they're dealing with that stuff too.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah it doesn't take away from it being toxic. Toxic is toxic, right. It's toxic. To you. You're in it so you're toxic and within the relationship. This is basically to me when it comes to relationships. It's when a relationship is making you feel bad. Let's just make it really simple. feel really bad about yourself about your status of the relationship with that person. That is the simplest way to put it. If it is hurting you, or you are feeling bad or you are feeling very anxious or you're feeling very depressed or you're feeling whatever, then that's not a healthy relationship. And the fact that you want to or do hang on to that is where it gets toxic.

Ralph Andracchio  
Do you think... I know I might be getting off topic but it just popped into my head. Do you think it's it's bad, not necessarily bad but not completely accurate when people say you know, you want to find the perfect relationship you got to find somebody who completes you and like has all the missing missing parts that you are looking for 

Kristin Wood  
like Jerry Maguire? 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, you complete me kind of thing. I think that's toxic in some ways. I think codependent right. I think a good relationship is finding someone who complements you. It's like you're, you're perfect as you are. You have all the parts you need inside of you already. You know, you may need some help rearranging them or like discovering them, but you got all the stuff. Find a good relationship is finding somebody who complements brings out best parts of you. Yeah, that's I think that's a good that's a better way to think about relationships and like healthy relationships is cut finding someone that complementary rather than complete you because if you're looking outside of yourself for completion, you ain't never going to find it.

Kristin Wood  
And that's also part of the reason that people stay in these relationships longer than they should because they sometimes will think they can't. They need that person to be okay that that person validates certain parts of themselves, even though it's it's ugly, um, and I think that was my train of thought. I think I know what it's gonna say. I think as far as like, romantic relationships are concerned, one of the things that can be a big giant, red light red flashing red light of dangerous doesn't mean the person is dangerous, but something is when I don't know if everyone's any people listening have had this type of relationship I have, where you meet someone and it's immediately like this, you are drawn to them. It's almost an intoxicating feeling this person and you are just physically, emotionally mentally. All the stars align from the get go and you think they're the most attractive person ever. Then your judgment goes down the crapper basically, and that is often can be very, that can often lead to toxicity because then you have the blinders on. You're ignoring things that may come up. I mean, it may work, you may meet the love of your life and connect and go run off into the sunset. But a lot of times with those types of relationships, there's an unhealthy element to it. And that's the kind of thing where you'll feel so good around this person. But it's not anything this is what it's always supposed to be but it's really not because it's not realistic. And that can often lead to that type of situation is when it gets particularly difficult to identify the red flags and catch it early that somebody might not be the best for you. Do you know what I mean?

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes, and I this makes me think of how our puritanical society I'm going to get really deep here folks, I apologize in advance but put your seatbelts on the puritanical elements of our society here in America, especially when it comes to sex and relationships has effed over many generations in terms of what we think good relationships look like and should be, you know, if if certain facets of our society have their way, there would be no sex before marriage, there would be no bodily autonomy there would be no you know, it's this weird. It's this weird idea of relationships that got stuck in the 1950s You know, the late 40s, early 50s, even in the 1950s. That wasn't, you know, yes, that's what everybody wanted. And that's what medium portrayed as like, this is what everybody's doing. This is how every relationship looks. That wasn't the reality on the street, you know. And so, when I hear you talk about like, people who have these whirlwind relationships are like they have this huge physical attraction and then you know, it goes downhill we as a society, you know, generally and as individuals specifically need to be okay with being attracted to people, we need to be okay with, if I'm an adult, and that other person's an adult, and we end up you know, we're really attracted to each other and we make out and have a one night stand, whatever. It's we shouldn't be okay with like, that happened. Cool. I had a great night. We enjoyed each other's company. We fooled around. It was fun. That's it can just end right there and that's fine. Nobody's used up. Nobody is worse off than they were before. Nobody's like a slut or anything like there's so much sex shaming in the world. It's like to stop you know, I'm I know I went on a diatribe but I think that's a good way to avoid a lot of toxic relationships as well as is seeing them for what they are right away and being okay with it like,

Kristin Wood  
Right 

Ralph Andracchio  
hey, yeah, this person is super attractive. And we had a great night but I am I expecting us to get married and have 3.5 kids? No. Like we went out and had a couple drinks and have fun night. That's what adults do. That's totally fine. You know.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I mean, I think expectations can play a part with it too. If you're in a place where you really want a friend and make a new friend or a partner, then you tend to like sometimes people tend to hold on longer, because they really want it to work and minimize maybe red flags or things that aren't going to work out and then end up you know, eventually getting to a place where they'll tell me like I've wasted my time with this person. Why didn't I do this sooner or whatever the case may be. So it's like really being honest with yourself to about why are in this relationship with this person. What does this person bring? I mean recently for myself, I've been doing a lot of that evaluating it's been a thing of just really evaluating the people I'm spending my time with and giving my energy to and would they do they do they give me the same energy and time? Do they care for me the way I care for them, and trying to not write people off per se, but just, that's the people I'm trying to surround myself with. And that's the case with any type of relationship but we waste a lot of time in these dynamics. With people that aren't good for us toxic or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes we're not even sure what the reasons are right? Or it's maybe it's a longtime friend, but it's always been unhealthy. But we don't know how to say, this isn't working out for me anymore. I think people sometimes don't feel like they have the power and control to be able to end a relationship doesn't mean you're a jerk. If you decide that somebody's not good for you. That's another part of it. Especially with friendships. People don't realize you can break up with a friend it gets to thing can happen. And if the person is not adding to your life, in fact, if and even worse, if they are bringing you down for whatever reason, it's been going on for a long time and maybe you've addressed it and it's not getting better, or they just are who they are and you know it's not going to change, then that that's the that's not healthy for you. That's not somebody that makes you feel good. About you and is there for you, etc. So that might be somebody that you think about, you know, just again, you want to be mean about it, which is somebody that you separate yourself from.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. And can we do away with the term friendzone I think that's I think that's terrible.

Kristin Wood  
I mean, you're in my friend zone.

Ralph Andracchio  
Well, thank you. Yes, I hope so. But in terms of like, it's become this this running joke and this weird kind of like, and it's usually from guys to women in terms of like, Oh, she put me in the friendzone and... she doesn't want to date you. That's that just accept it for what it is. There's no zone she's keeping you in. It's it. She wants to be your friend. That's, like that's another that's another thing and this whole weird toxic relationship thing. It's like, we come at I'm talking to guys now like we come at relationships from this really weird sports mentality of like, there's winners and losers and like, Oh, if I didn't get a date, or we're not going out then I lost and I'm in like, the penalty box or I'm on the bench or in the friendzone like No she doesn't want to date you like that's just call it what it is. It's not...

Kristin Wood  
II it's I think it's easier to say I'm in the friendzone than it is like she does not interested me are attracted to 

Ralph Andracchio  
And that you can't not everybody is you're not everybody's cup of tea. Not everybody's going to be attracted to you. You know, I mean, there's there's some people out there who don't think Brad Pitt is attractive, There's people out there who don't think Halle Berry is attractive. 

Kristin Wood  
Well where are they?

Ralph Andracchio  
I don't want to know them. 

Kristin Wood  
Women or men. I never had anyone say Halle Berry is not attractive. But you're right. I digress. Yeah,

Ralph Andracchio  
No matter who we can pick that's like they're they're just objectively attractive. There's somebody who's gonna be like, not for me they're not and that's okay. That goes back to the Sports Illustrated thing. Like who cares what you think like your your opinion of your opinion is a lot higher than anybody else's. You know, it's it's not the world does not revolve around you. Oh. Boy, 

Kristin Wood  
The ginger ale was... it was so delicious. 

Ralph Andracchio  
That ginger ale we... we're trying out new soda. Today. I am on a root beer kick. So I have root beer but I got cranberry ginger ale. And it's...

Kristin Wood  
delicious.

Ralph Andracchio  
I'm going to have some after the show, but yeah, plug for Canada Dry. I'm just ... We're just gonna keep saying Corporation names until one of them gives us some money. 

Kristin Wood  
Let's just have an episode where we just like say one every minute. See if any of them bites.

Ralph Andracchio  
Well, but yeah, hopefully this this has shed some light on what toxic means. How people can be toxic, how relationships can be toxic, and how to notice them before they happen and if they are happening, how to get out of them. And I think a lot of it like you said comes back to self esteem, self awareness and open strong communication. Just call things what they are. Be honest. And yeah, it's tough to be honest all the time. You know, it's hard for somebody to say, you know, I'm not attracted to you, right? You're not my cup of tea. I just want to be friends with Yeah, that hurts. But you know what, it's okay. Because that's that person's decision. Yeah. And you can't change that and you can't take it as like, a knock on on you or who you are. It's like, that just wasn't a connection. Move. You know, it's okay to move on to something else.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah and I know that people listening that are in them, or having them I feel like this topic could be we could do at least one more. I really wish somebody would write in and share your situation if you're struggling. We will can be definitely be anonymous. Happy to cover it. Or if you have any other thoughts...

Ralph Andracchio  
We could get voice altering software. So you sound like one of those witness protection people.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. But you know, I think there's a lot to this topic. We just sort of touched on it. So if any of you send us something on it, we will continue the conversation if not, we'll probably move on to something right. I'd love to hear I mean as I've always wanted to hear from people. heyletmeaskyousomething at Gmail. If you have any thoughts or situations you want to discuss on this topic or any topic actually.

Ralph Andracchio  
All of our contact information is in the show notes we are not hiding come at us. You can find us. Tell your friends and family share this show around. We want to, as always inspire more people ask more questions have more interesting conversations. The world would be a much better place if we did that. And don't be toxic. But go listen to Toxic by Britney Spears.

Kristin Wood  
Perfect timing to go listen to that right now.

Ralph Andracchio  
Always a jam. And that's it. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone. We'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai