How Can I Be Better Support for My Friends? - S04E07

TW: Discussion of self-harm.

In light of the recent SCOTUS decision to deny women bodily autonomy protection, this week Kristin and I are talking all about how to be a good support for someone going through trauma, why listening is such an important tool, and why offering advice may not be the best move.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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Send us your questions! We may tackle yours in an upcoming episode!
heyletmeaskyousomething@gmail.com

DISCALIMER:
The views expressed on the Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast are solely the opinions of your hosts Kristin Wood and Ralph Andracchio and are based on their years of practical and clinical experience. These opinions do not constitute any kind of advice, diagnosis, or treatment of any mental, physical, or emotional issues. If you are having an emergency or any serious ongoing situations please contact your local hospital or a trusted professional.

Transcript

The Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast
Season 04
Episode 07
How Can I Be Better Support for My Friends? 

[MUSIC INTRO PLAYS]

Ralph Andracchio  
Time to get curious. It's the Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast... the show dedicated to inspiring more people to ask more questions and have more interesting conversations. On this week's show. Kristin and I are talking all about how to be a good support for somebody going through trauma. Why listening is such an important tool and why offering advice may not be the best move. 

Ralph Andracchio  
You know, since Roe has been overturned there's a lot of people giving advice I'm using a lot of air quotes advice help you know my two cents is and some of it is not very helpful.

Kristin Wood  
So I think this is part of my training as a therapist who's trying to reach people where they are, is trying to really listen to what the person is saying.

Ralph Andracchio  
But I think you said something really important and it's meeting people where they are. Because a lot of times when we're trying to be supportive for somebody who is going through something and they tell us their story. The first thing I want to first thing we want to do is try to help and I think that's where we trip ourselves up in most.

Kristin Wood  
Sometimes what's behind the advice given is anxiety for the listener of like, oh my gosh, this person's come to me, he told me all these things. They want me to help so let me give them all my helpful hints and try to fix it for you. But that's just not what they need. 

Ralph Andracchio  
The best way for you to help us inspire more conversations and easily find more of our great episodes is to hit that subscribe button and share the show with your friends. And check us out on YouTube if you want to see us as well as hear us. And remember we love that you're listening but the show is for entertainment, we're not your therapist or your coach. We are not providing professional advice either from us or any of our guests. Get that full disclaimer in the show notes a once over for more info on that. Alright folks, let's start this conversation

Ralph Andracchio  
Sit up straight. 

Kristin Wood  
Do you have your posture right?

Ralph Andracchio  
I do I 

Kristin Wood  
Have the right posture 

Ralph Andracchio  
Posture. Poise. 

Kristin Wood  
And we're ready and we're rolling. 

Ralph Andracchio  
We are sitting the way people should sit.

Kristin Wood  
Alright, let's let's There we go. 

Ralph Andracchio  
And I look like a... 

Kristin Wood  
Well you can move the pillow. There's a lot of pillows 

Ralph Andracchio  
I should probably do a lot of this before we start recording but who's gonna care

Kristin Wood  
This is what we do before we come on.

Ralph Andracchio  
That's why people tune in to hear they just put it on the background. It sounds like there's two weird friends I just bought we just went to the clothing store and I bought this shirt.

Kristin Wood  
The clothing store?

Ralph Andracchio  
I don't want to I don't want to say it because I don't want to give people free advertising. But we went to Yeah, I like it. 

Kristin Wood  
That's cute. 

Ralph Andracchio  
I like polo shirts.

Kristin Wood  
It looks very Ralph too 

Ralph Andracchio  
Thank you

Kristin Wood  
I'm wearing a white tank top. 

Ralph Andracchio  
you look nice too. 

Kristin Wood  
And I just ordered two new ones. It's exciting.

Ralph Andracchio  
You'll look good. And as I said I made fancy rice in our instant pot. And we have beef tips with it and now I am so I ate so much rice. I'm so heavy 

Kristin Wood  
I can't eat like that in the middle of the day 

Ralph Andracchio  
I'm so heavy and I didn't take a nap and I usually I'm old. So after I eat lunch like about a half hour 45 minutes later, my body's like time for nap. And I didn't do that today. So I'm thrown off and discombobulated.

Kristin Wood  
Well I'll keep you awake. If you nod off I'll do this.

Ralph Andracchio  
Give me a Vulcan neck pinch?

Kristin Wood  
How was your week other than your lovely instapot meals?

Ralph Andracchio  
Well, my personal week has been good. We got a new hot tub, inflatable one, so don't get... I don't want to get any angry letters about spending that kind of money in today's economy. It's a it's a affordable inflatable hot tub that Dan swore up and down was a saltwater one because we want to do saltwater because it's better for your skin. better for the environment because there's not as many chemicals and it stays cleaner. And we got it. We set it up and filled it up and I'm putting all the things on and then I'm doing the research because I'm like, Oh, I gotta go out and get all the salt. It's not saltwater.

Kristin Wood  
Well screw it at this point you already got everything.

Ralph Andracchio  
So it's I mean, we have all the chemicals from the last one we just got rid of our old one because it kept breaking. So we're, we're doing this one and it's wonderful. It has it not only has bubbles, but it has jets, as well. And I kind of controversial point of view. I like the Jets more than the bubbles 

Kristin Wood  
I would like the jets more than the bubbles 

Ralph Andracchio  
Because they're they massage better. Right and if you put your feet. The soles of your feet.

Kristin Wood  
Yes. 

Ralph Andracchio  
It's like I went to heaven. But you can't use them at the same time you have to pick so it's either bubbles or jets 

Kristin Wood  
otherwise too much 

Ralph Andracchio  
you can't do. I mean if it was a more intricate system I'm sure you could do both at the same time but you have to choose and I will always choose jets. 

Kristin Wood  
I would choose jets too. I'm a jets girl. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Well you know if you if you come over you'll be able to try

Kristin Wood  
You and I will be good. Dan will get out. We'll give him his bubble time afterwards.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, so how's your week?

Kristin Wood  
Good. I don't really remember last week I guess it was pretty uneventful. Saturday went to a big concert for me anyway. With my brother in law 

Ralph Andracchio  
Can you say who you went to see?

Kristin Wood  
Yes as long as no one judges me and for young listeners that have no idea who these bands are? I'm not judging you. We went to see Poison, Motley Crue and Def Leppard. And it was amazeballs for me.

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh my god.

Kristin Wood  
Back in the day with my white self

Ralph Andracchio  
I can picture you

Kristin Wood  
it was so much fun. And they were so they all three of them were really good. They sounded really fabulous. They sounded great. A it was good. It was exhausting. Because it was hours and hours and I'm just not used to it. I was so tired on Sunday, but we had a ball and the woman in front of us asked me am I wish I knew your name. She had more fun than everyone needs fireplace and it was very, very packed. She danced the whole time and she knew this she knew every word to every single solitary song by all three bands including like their new stuff that you know they always play. No one knows. She hammered it out she was having a blast. She was like my spirit animal.

Kristin Wood  
Wherever wherever you are. I tip my hat to you.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, so that was the big event.

Ralph Andracchio  
I remind me after we get off of this. We finish with this recording today. I have a connection to one of those bands.

Kristin Wood  
Is it Poison? 

Ralph Andracchio  
I can't - I cannot say

Kristin Wood  
OMG if it's Poison we have to cut this short right now. Thanks for coming, everyone. I'm about to meet Bret Michaels. I'm sorry.

Ralph Andracchio  
I will talk about remind me when we're done. 

Kristin Wood  
I'm really excited. Let's get this damn show over with. 

Ralph Andracchio  
so Oh also before I forget Happy anniversary to us because this is our June is our anniversary month. We've been doing this for one year officially. Congratulations. Clink. It was June 2 was when we posted our first episode. 

Kristin Wood  
That's so exciting. 

Ralph Andracchio  
So this we've been doing this for a year. Which is which is a good thing because not all there's like millions and millions of podcasts out there but not a lot of them last more than a few episodes.

Kristin Wood  
Thank you everyone. Tell your friends. Tell your family. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Thank you everybody in the world,

Ralph Andracchio  
Every - we have listeners on every continent except Africa or except Antarctica. So thank you for that. Come on Antarctica. I know there's researchers down there. Listen to us. Dammit. 

Kristin Wood  
That's so funny. I wish we could have the people on that are from different countries.

Ralph Andracchio  
I want to Yeah, there's we have a listener in Germany. 

Kristin Wood  
If you're listening 

Ralph Andracchio  
if you're listening and you're in Germany we appreciate you. We we want to hear from you. Shoot us an email we want to know you are 

Kristin Wood  
Not just Germany isn't there other countries? 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, but there's like it's one town in Germany and I forget the name of it, but it's that we have we have those fans. 

Kristin Wood  
Bunch of people or a couple people. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. So well. Maybe we'll do that we'll start getting people you know getting people who listen to us on to talk about stuff. I would enjoy that.

Kristin Wood  
That would be really cool. And email us like we're not forgetting about you in the US. We just find it particularly interesting. People in other countries have tuned in as well but that would be a really cool episode.

Ralph Andracchio  
heyletmeaskyousomething@gmail.com Send us We always love hearing from people who listen to us 

Kristin Wood  
Please do that would be fun.

Ralph Andracchio  
Speaking of the US it's I don't think anybody is unaware of all the crap that is happening in the United States right now. For first and foremost of which was the overturning of Roe v. Wade, which guaranteed people the right to an abortion to health services in the country. So all the states have been have trigger laws that are going into a fact and a lot of them are drafting legislation to prevent women from getting health care that they need and to make the choices that you know you want to make for yourself. It's the dumbest thing in the world. And so there's an I've been on. I've been doing scrolling Twitter, and Tiktok because it's just I and I've been watching news and I know I shouldn't buy it. The January 6 committee is doing their hearings which had been amazing to watch because all this new stuffs coming out and you know the Roe v Wade and like all this other stuff, and so, and not for nothing, but there's another I'm going to geek out for recycling. There's another ruling that's coming down from the Supreme Court. If not today, tomorrow. It's West Virginia versus the EPA, the Environmental Protection Agency. And if the court rules in West Virginia's favor, that is super bad, because at the heart of that case is how Congress delegates power to federal agencies that are able to operate fairly autonomously because Congress gave them the power to do so EPA being one of them. But if the court rules against the EPA, that means Congress cannot do that anymore. And so any federal agency that's not directly linked to Congress, it's going to screw everything up. 

Kristin Wood  
Look, we might have to move. COVID was the beginning and now this crap.

Ralph Andracchio  
COVIDs still happening... ladies and gentlemen. COVID is still happening. We are still in the middle of a pandemic.

Kristin Wood  
No, right. I'm just saying first, Not the first but like, in recent years, that's the... anyway.

Ralph Andracchio  
So there's a lot of really screwed up stuff going on. And we've been a lot of our recent episodes have been about trauma, dealing with perpetual trauma, triggering, you know, go going through it, and we've been talking about it from the lens of the people who have been traumatized or going through the trauma, you know, reaching out for support, you know, doing your research, taking care of yourself, but we haven't really talked about it from the other side of somebody who is trying to support someone who is going through something and I thought it'd be interesting to talk about it right trauma or not, and I thought it'd be interesting to talk about it because, you know, since Roe has been overturned, there's a lot of people giving advice. I'm using a lot of air quotes, advice help, you know, my two cents is and some of it is not very helpful, and some of it is actually harmful. So I thought it would be a good idea for us to, from our, you know, perspective or professional perspectives to talk about how to be a good support for somebody who's going through through it, whatever it is, how to how to not step on your own toes or like put your foot in your mouth or like give bad advice that is more harmful than anything. And um...

Kristin Wood  
How not to get frustrated if the person doesn't do what you want them to do.

Ralph Andracchio  
That's a great point. So I thought that would be an interesting topic for today of how do you how can you be a good support for somebody who going through it?

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. Am I getting started?

Ralph Andracchio  
And scene. And you're on.

Kristin Wood  
I can I can speak to it. I think we get in our heads a lot of what we think people need, and we're not necessarily wrong. We might be absolutely right. But and then we can sometimes share what we're thinking with them and get very frustrated when they don't do what you want them to do or what we think they need to do. So I think and this is part of my training as a therapist is trying to read people where they are is trying to to really listen to what the person is saying. So that when you respond to them and if you are to share some some advice if you want to call it that to really try to cater your advice giving to what might be better received by that person and where they're at at that point, is like you know, break it down a little bit like if somebody is struggling with breaking up with someone that they've been with for a lot of time that they love very, very much. And it's very clear to everyone around them that they need to break up tomorrow yesterday, whatever. And they're the NOC of feeling bubble. That's really easy to say, and that is extremely difficult. For somebody in that position to do even if logically they know it's the best thing for them. And so maybe just trying to break it down a little bit and help them with a step towards that. That might be more doable, rather than bombarding them with all the reasons why this is such a terrible relationship and they must do this and they must do that because they already know that a lot of times I'm tell I'm speaking of an example where somebody might know that but actually doing it is a lot more difficult.

Ralph Andracchio  
I think we've all been in those relationships where it's not the best relationship for you to be physically mentally, emotionally, but someone's making you stay. And it's easy to it's easy to see the answer. Are we using air quotes again, from the outside because we're not. So it's always going to be harder when you're in the thing to see some some different options that you have. But I think you said something really important and it's meeting people where they are. Yeah. Because a lot of times when we're trying to be supportive for somebody who is going through something and they tell us their story. The first thing we want to first thing we want to do is try to help and I think that's where we trip ourselves up the most because we like oh okay, let me help. This is why you come to me like this. Let's let's tackle this. Here's some options. Here's here's what I would do. I think more often than not people just want somebody to listen to them just to hold space and get get their stuff out. And I know it's hard to keep your mouth shut and just listen. Because we want to help you know, and I think that's what's good about human beings. Is when we're in that situation and somebody we know comes to us and and is unloading on us or like telling their story and getting it out of their system. We want to help so we want to get advice and then when it gets to nine times out of 10 Just shut up and listen. That's that's that will be go a long way to helping that person feel better. And then meet them where they are. Do they even need help? Do they just need somebody to talk to them? Great. Do they just need somebody to listen and hold space great. And then if you if you do want to give advice or you know ask questions or something don't do it from your point of view. I think that's I think that's a trap we fall into because what works for you is not going to work for somebody else. So meeting like you said meeting them where they are thinking about the situation they're in what they would do what their options are. And again, like you said little baby steps.

Kristin Wood  
Sometimes, you know, sometimes what's behind the advice giving is anxiety for the listener of like, oh my gosh, this person has come to me and they told me all these things. They want me to help so let me give them all my helpful hints and try to fix it. But that's just not what they need me. For some people. Maybe they just want to talk about it, but they don't necessarily they're not ready to act or they don't want to act. They just want to tell you how they're feeling and then it can act as a situations where the listener can get very frustrated because in that case, the the person with the problem is likely not to do any of the things you're listing. They're likely to get frustrated with you because they don't want the advice or tips you're about you're likely to get frustrated with them because they're not listening and they came to you and you don't know how to help other than give advice. So sometimes it's as simple as asking people to go, I'm just saying what is it? I mean, I even do this sometimes when I'm not sure with my clients. What is it that you need from me right now? Do you do you need me to just listen and validate how you're feeling? Do you want some helpful hints? What do you need? Or the speaker if they're aware enough to say to the listener before they even talk? I just want to vent to you about some stuff. I'm not really looking for suggestions or salt solutions. I just kind of want to let you know and that can take the pressure off of the listener too if they're feeling like this pressure to fix if the speaker is to set is just to set the framework for the conversation. If and then the speaker is then setting up the framework for what they need from their friend or family member in that and then everybody can be on the same page. The anxiety can be lessened and the actual exchange of feelings of support and care can be higher.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. It's being it's a sign of a good conversationalist to arrive to a conversation with somebody and know what level of detail to share. You know, cuz sometimes we're people who when we talk, we share the whole story. We go into details about stuff, we paint the picture. Sometimes people just arrive and they're like, Yeah, I had breakfast. What about it? Like they're waiting for you to ask more questions to get more information that you need. So you know, it depends on what kind of person you are when you arrive like are you the person that shares a lot of information? Are you the one that's a little more thoughtful? And then I always say err on the side of being more thoughtful and you know, the person is going to either tell you what they need from you, or they're going to hand back and kind of like share little pieces. And that's your invitation to ask the questions like Do you want to say more? You know, is there any, you know, what can I do to help as there you know, so I think asking the right questions at the right time and knowing you know, my job is to listen, unless instructed otherwise is helpful.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I mean, and overall it can be frustrating to so there's a little element of this that could bring up boundaries too. So let's say you know, someone who's in a job that they hate. We've all probably been here and they just keep complaining about the job. But you've given advice, maybe 10 other friends have given advice and they're still at the same job complaining. That can be really hard after a while if you have a friend that's just constantly needing to vent complain, be heard about the same things over and over again. 

Ralph Andracchio  
And maybe that's how just how they cope with the job. Maybe they're not wanting to live. Maybe they don't want another job. They liked this job. It's just that's how they cope is they vent to their friends after a hard day.

Kristin Wood  
Right. But for the friends for the receivers, so I'm kind of bouncing over there for a minute. Sometimes we have to put boundaries up with people in that situation. If that's then negatively affecting you. That person's trauma that person struggles is becoming too much for you, then that might be putting some limits on the interactions around that topic with them. Maybe it's they call and you know, it's going down that route and you say, hey, as soon as you pick up the phone, I've got 15 minutes to chat. You put like a time limit on it. What do you need? Oh, that's good. That's just an example. Or you text them I can't talk maybe you're just not feeling it. I can't talk tonight. Kind of give you a call back tomorrow or can we have lunch on Friday or whatever it is, like not feeling like you have to take it on either, especially if it's some really something even heavier than this. That the person is calling in. You're not a therapist. You're if you are a friend or a family member that's on the receiving end of someone in a very troubled spot. You do have to remember to take care of yourself as well. Because otherwise you can start feeling a lot of resentment, anger or frustration towards that person. And they don't intend to make you feel that way. So by taking a step back and figuring out how you can be a friend, but also take care of yourself is also an important piece to this.

Ralph Andracchio  
I'm one of those people who people feel very comfortable talking to me and like opening up about stuff or like because I just hold space really well because that's why I do what I do is I am a good listener. And I've learned over the past few years getting you know, getting more into it and studying more. Just what you said. Like it's okay for me to say, hey, this isn't the right time for me. You know, I do I do want to help. I do want to listen, but can we have lunch on Friday? Can we text tomorrow? Okay, you know, and it sets up like you said, it sets up a boundary for me and actually helps me relax because I feel comfy. I used to not feel comfortable saying no to somebody I can't talk to you right now. And then it would it would throw my day into chaos because I felt bad and then I couldn't say anything but now I feel more comfortable and confident saying hey, you know, I'm busy right now. Can we talk later?

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I mean, and they may or may not receive it well, but bottom line is if somebody isn't in a spot to listen, for whatever the reason may be, do you really want to talk to them? I mean, if they're not able to, they don't want to listen or they can't listen or they don't know what to do on their own or what? Whatever, then that's not the right person. And as all humans we shouldn't be going to the exact same person all the time. With everything. It that's why we have a support system that support one person you know, we need to use our system of people.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, yeah. It's not on you to be and even if like you said, you're not a therapist, even if you are a therapist, it's not your client. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, exactly. How many people try to do that to me outside of work. I'm not working. 

Ralph Andracchio  
No, thank you. 

Kristin Wood  
I feel like I should have a sign that says closed,

Ralph Andracchio  
Like a T shirt? Closed for business. Call me tomorrow at 9am 

Kristin Wood  
Sorry, 

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh, no!

Kristin Wood  
Don't worry. Whatever is happening. I wouldn't worry anything about it. I spilled on my computer yet again. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Sorry. No, I the coaster stuck to the bottom of the glass and it made a noise. It's it's cracked. 

Kristin Wood  
It's broken.

Ralph Andracchio  
Was that me? 

Kristin Wood  
No. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh, ok. 

Kristin Wood  
If it is I wouldn't even worry those are dumb. Anyone want to get me new coasters? 

Ralph Andracchio  
They're cute. They're little. They're little maps of like local places. I think they're cute.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah but I think they've had a lot of wet glass on them and they're now kind of like done. I bought the same ones for a friend of mine when she was newish to the city and I thought they'd be a fun gift. I'm in the market that reminds me this is just be another thing I've come up with like a reason to go on Amazon when we're done here and buy something else 

Ralph Andracchio  
Coasters. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, and I do need them but like I keep coming up with these things. Like every day. I'm like...

Ralph Andracchio  
I finally just bought one of those bugs called bug bite a bug bite thing or a bug thing or whatever. It is It looks like a giant syringe but you put it if you get bit by site like a mosquito or something you put it on and it sucks out the 

Kristin Wood  
Oh I didn't know about that. 

Ralph Andracchio  
It's so you don't itch and the bump goes away. Free advertising for but I'm going to try to I can't vouch for yet. It's it comes with good reviews. It was on Shark Tank so I will report back next -  I'm getting it tomorrow so I'll report back next episode to tell you how it is. anyway we get easily sidetracked 

Kristin Wood  
It's fine. We take a little break. 

Ralph Andracchio  
We took a little break because it's a heavy topic. But yeah, meet people where they are. Don't be afraid to hang back hold space. Ask questions if you need to. And a lot of times this is another thing people will sometimes share their story. If somebody comes in like hey you know had a bad day or oh, this thing's happening. And I think sometimes our first instinct is to say, oh, that happened to me too and tell your story. No, not the best. Not the best move just because if they didn't ask you Hey, is this happened to you? Can you share your how you handled it? Some people will do that. If they don't do that. Ask if you know hey, that's happened to me. You want to hear how I handled it or just you know, wait for them to to say that they want to hear you.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, because what ends up happening is it becomes It feels very dismissive to that person talking. i And I know we've all done this, I've done it where someone says something and you're like, Oh my God, me too blobbity blah happened to me today. And then you're kind of like hijacking the conversation and not allowing that person to share. You might think you A) might not be reading that the person is upset and needs to be heard. Or you are thinking that by sharing so you may just be like, Oh, I'm gonna talk about myself. Or you may think that sharing your story is helping but you haven't even listened to theirs. You know, you're cutting them off. And even if you do tell your story because it might be an appropriate time for you to do that. It's so important that the person feels heard and validated first, and that you listen to their whole and you're there for them and then there might be a nice space for you to share what happened to you that day. This is what friends do they exchange but making sure that you give that person the space first if they brought it to you first. Because a lot of I feel like we do this. Like where we think by relating we're helping them but I often think we're not like we're kind of taking over or or isn't the right word.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. Ding Ding Ding, you're pulling the focus away from the person who needs it. They, it it's not it's a great point. It's not like you're you're sitting down with a friend over a glass of wine and you're shooting the wind, like, you know,

Kristin Wood  
The wind because you can't say the other word

Ralph Andracchio  
you know, and it's like you're swapping stories. That's not what this is like, if somebody comes to you for help. They're going through something and they need somebody to hold space. You're not swapping war stories. It's about them and if you start telling your story, you're pulling the focus on you and that's not where it needs to be.

Kristin Wood  
I don't know if this is too deep, but I just thought of or if we want to go there, out there and we'll say this is really heavy what I'm about to say, but I guess what I just popped in my head around I was thinking about was what if somebody is making comments around taking their life and sometimes it's not like it's not necessarily thank God. Somebody sit down like hey, Ralph, I want to kill myself and I bought a robe and I have a talk tomorrow night at 7pm. I plan to do it. Now. That's terrible, but at least you would know exactly what's going on and maybe it will be clear that you needed to get emergency services involved. Sometimes people say things like well, so everyone says hi and I would just dive in conversation. But people will say things like I just had someone told me this recently. When they're talking about their struggles, and they're like, sometimes I just wish I was dead. Or sometimes I just wish I wasn't here anymore. Or whatever. And that becomes a little bit more vague for people but is there a bug because I already saw one class. So I don't know if we want to get into that today or not. But people get very don't know what to do with that either.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, that's I think that's a whole other realm of immediate emergency action. That's like well above everybody's paygrade to handle. And I think even if it's even if it's not, hey, I'm going to do what at this time on this day, like Okay, great. I need to call five people now who are professionals to help you. If it's if it's just like general like you said, I think you still need to be like, do I you know, would you like me to contact somebody I know a few people we could, who would be much better at helping you kind of manage what you're feeling that I am right now. Don't be a hero. If it feels like it's above your paygrade and you're you would best you know, you need help to help your friend do that.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, and even just saying something like, cuz I know I always hesitate about to talk to talk about this people because I'm trained to know how to do this like what to do when people say XYZ. And that but that's not a person outside of my, my role, responsibility. I think if you can just say to somebody if you're unsure Hey, I heard you say that you wished you were dead. Do you feel safe today? Do you feel like you're you're safe with yourself and do you feel like you want to die today? And then you might say you know, if you're having these feelings a lot, maybe you want to talk to someone but if you can get your friend to say, oh, yeah, I haven't thought about it in a week. Then then that might be a better space than somebody that says no, I've been thinking about it all day. Difference. Yeah. But again, it's this is very touchy, because I just feel like it's not the person's responsibility. But you could ask more questions to try to determine what that What do you mean by that? Are you sure you're okay? Do you feel like you want to do that now? And then based off of those answers, it gives you sort of an more immediate safety plan or like you're like okay, like that's not today and then maybe you check in with him in a day or two or whatever. But ultimately, if this keeps happening, are you remaining concerned you're gonna have to get professionals or emergency services involved

Ralph Andracchio  
and just popped into my head if, if this is something that you you know, one of your friends is saying, they're thinking about doing and you feel like you're over your head. There are services like suicide prevention hotlines that are easily findable and available 24 hours a day.

Kristin Wood  
if you that's a great point, actually just simplify it. If you have a friend that you're concerned about it, maybe you've tried to talk to them, or maybe you're just not sure how to talk about it with them, but it's bothering you or you're worried. Definitely call one of those hotlines. If you don't have a therapist or another professional person to run it by. Then reach out find out what they have to say to guide you in the right direction as to what to do. And that you know, I'm hoping for most people this isn't the case, but I have heard it come up from people that you know where it's been more in passing, then I have this giant plan thing as to not know what to do because there's passive suicidal ideation and there's active suicidal ideation. This is not people's responsibility to know but I know it.

Ralph Andracchio  
Laying a lot on us right now.

Kristin Wood  
But just being able to know Have I done what I should do you know?

Ralph Andracchio  
And also in the same vein, a lot of times, people who are thinking about aligning themselves may not even show any signs or may not say anything about it, they may look perfectly happy. Again, it's not your responsibility. To you know, don't take that on yourself to say oh my god, if I only did XYZ that's you're you're you're playing the what if game with when really, really, really, really deep, terrible things like that happen. It doesn't do anybody any good.

Kristin Wood  
No, all you can do is go off on what's in front of you. And what's being said and if you don't know what to do with that information, really your best bet is to talk to a professional which the most immediate might be a hotline unless you have a therapist of your own that you can reach out to and ask.

Ralph Andracchio  
I will put national and international I think there may be international I think every country must have their own suicide - 

Kristin Wood  
Include Germany and others. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Germany if you're listening, I just use Germany's example because it comes up on the list second after the United States Yeah, but I will put up resources I can find for websites or hotlines. I think it's good.

Kristin Wood  
I know I spend a lot of time on it. But just to touch on it.

Ralph Andracchio  
Also, I don't think it's talked about enough. And I think there is a stigma around it where people don't want to talk about it. So I think talking about it and sharing information about help you can get is necessary and impactful.

Kristin Wood  
Yes, I think it's that's hard when you are when you have a friend that's having a problem, whatever it is. Yeah, there's we've talked about the listening and how to be supportive, but when it gets to that point, it's just so much more complicated and often people do feel like they're over there in over their head and not sure what to do and do I believe what they said that they're just making a comment or are they serious like that can get very confusing

Ralph Andracchio  
Don't feel like you're selling your friend out either. If you ask for help from somebody, that's why those hotlines are there. That's why those professionals are there

Kristin Wood  
They're anonymous. You call and like this is what happened. What do you think?

Ralph Andracchio  
Right they're there to help. And also, if it's something if somebody's going through something that's not part of your knowledge base, I bring it I'm trying to bring it back to Roe v Wade, because there's a lot of dudes out there who cannot get pregnant and have never been able to get pregnant or you know, have a uterus and carry it carry a child who are giving a lot of advice to people who can knock it off. I don't I would never dream about giving a woman or somebody who could get pregnant advice about what they do with their body. That's how we got into this in the first place. Stop telling other people what they can do with their bodies. But also if it's something that's out of your purview out of your knowledge base, you don't have to know everything all the time. Right? Same rules apply. If somebody like from the Roe v Wade decision if there's a woman in your life or somebody who can get pregnant, who is going through it and just need you to hold space and listen to them talk about their feelings and if they're feeling frustrated or angry or sad or whatever, just hold space and listen that's all you don't need to give advice. You don't need to say Oh, well what I would do is it's not relevant, especially if you're a guy then please stop doing that. You're welcome to have an opinion. I have opinions about stuff, but know when to share your opinion. about things.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Do you have anything to say? 

Kristin Wood  
No no I was tinking? Yeah, and just because somebody brings something to doesn't mean you have to have an opinion. You don't you don't have to nor do when someone shares how they're feeling about something. Do you have to have a similar - what am I trying to say?

Kristin Wood  
You don't have to pick a side. You don't have to pick an opinion. Like I guess I'm saying what you just said just listen to the listen.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, you don't have to. You don't have the answer. And you don't have to put your way of thinking on to somebody all the time. And I think again, going back to Roe v. Wade, that's how we got in this in the first place. Just because something's right for you doesn't mean it's right for everybody else. So if you have something that works for you or like a way you live your life on a belief system, that's great. It works for you. Awesome. But when you start like oh, here's what I would do, here's what works for me. Here's what you should do, is not really helpful. A lot of times and that's not what people are asking for unless they ask you specifically Hey, what would you do in this situation? There's your opportunity to share what you would do. But that's because you've been invited to share that. That point of view. So unless you are asked, shut shut it. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. piehole. Shut base. It's so annoying. It's and not to get into a religious or political discussion about it. But that's it always boggles my mind how somebody can say, Oh, I'm great. I know I'm right. And this is how you should live your life or this is how you should handle that situation or here. Here's here's what you should do to get through that thing you're going through. I know what's best for everybody. It boggles my mind that the audacity sometimes that people have the chutzpah

Kristin Wood  
just close minded that they see one one view and that's it. They either can't or won't open up to any other view other than the one they have. And then so they think there's what you know my way or the highway,

Ralph Andracchio  
and it's not helpful. It's there's there's a lot of talking going on and not enough listening.

Kristin Wood  
I think overall that's probably sums it up.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, I think there's, there's there's an art to listening. That's you have I've been making my money for a long time now. teaching people how to be better listeners to yourself. And to other people. And it's a lost art really, and I think everybody's had this thing if you're listening right now close your eyes. And think about a time where you actually felt heard when you were saying something or talking to somebody that was good that you were in the you were in the midst of a good listener, you were in the presence of somebody who knew how to listen to you when you felt heard. And you walked away from that conversation on man. Damn, that was a good conversation. That's because that person you were talking to was most likely a very good listener and they knew what they were doing in the conversation. Be that person for somebody else, because that's, that is like one of the most invaluable gifts you can give somebody I do this one exercise. I'm not going to bore you with the details, but I do a listening workshop, a conversation workshop. And at the end of one of these exercises, I'll ask people who here felt truly heard? And people raise their hand? Oh my God, then I'll like dig for more information like what what do you what made you feel heard? And they're just like, I knew the person was actually listening to me. They looked like they were listening. They were asking follow up questions that made sense. They were like, Oh, that sounded really interesting. Tell me more about that. Or like, oh, that must have been weird when that happened. And they walked away like wow, that person really heard me and it's like, you can hear it like they felt it they felt heard. And that if you can give that gift to somebody else that's like, almost as good as chocolate. Because chocolate still gonna win out no matter what. Especially chocolate pie.

Kristin Wood  
I've been craving chocolate you just made me think about this.

Ralph Andracchio  
Maybe we'll make a Boston Cream Pie this week because that sounds good. It looks like a cake but they call it pie.  

Kristin Wood  
See you're full. I'm hungry. So you talking about pie.

Kristin Wood  
I you know what I'm still full but I can always make room for dessert. Always my body shifts some things around. Oh, speaking of that just I just heard weirded me out. So I need to share it with everybody. When you have an operation and they go into your body and they have to like take something out or move something around. They don't put anything back where it was. They just kind of shove everything in there. And sew you up your body knows where everything goes and your body will shift your organs around to where they were.

Kristin Wood  
Really? That makes a lot of sense for what I've seen on TV anyway

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah they don't like oh, this goes here. You're body takes care of it. Bodies are amazing. Like they know where everything goes. And they're like, 

Kristin Wood  
They rearrange the furniture. 

Ralph Andracchio  
They rearrange the furniture. Just sew me up I'll take care of it. 

Kristin Wood  
That is a fun fact. I had no idea. 

Ralph Andracchio  
I love that. Bodies are so humans are so freakin weird and amazing. And just imagine what the world be like if we were more amazing to each other. 

Kristin Wood  
Amen. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Gay men. It is pride month for two more days

Kristin Wood  
It is. It is and that was funny as hell. Shout out to gay men.

Ralph Andracchio  
Shout out the gay men indeed. Happy pride to everybody. I know I forgot I'm a bad gay. I I didn't Well, I didn't actually I didn't feel comfortable going out to any events because there's been a lot of crap happening with people who are wanting to hurt other people just because of who they are. And it's part of the listening thing. It helps to dispel a lot of what's this animosity we all have towards each other knowing people who are different than you listening to people who are different than you helping people who are different than you who don't look like you don't sound like you have different beliefs than you. You know, it all goes towards us understanding each other and like helping each other out. That's my that's my spiel for today. Any any parting words of wisdom from the world of therapy?

Kristin Wood  
No, I think we've covered them. I think just like hitting home what you said when we both said of just when someone comes to you putting your own agenda aside and just trying to figure out where they are and then it'll help with with with how to respond if that's what they're looking for, in a way that's more helpful for them. I think we already said that. Highlighted it.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, you don't have to be you don't have to control you don't have to be here or you don't be right all the time. Just listening is sometimes the best, most important thing and send me good cake recipes, because I will make them because I enjoy baking cakes.

Kristin Wood  
Bake me a cake, thank you very much.

Ralph Andracchio  
If I if we do hang out this weekend I'll make you something. Is there anything you can't eat?

Kristin Wood  
Not really. I was cutting back on dairy but I think I'm alright.

Ralph Andracchio  
I'll make something full of dairy.

Kristin Wood  
Then we'll see - is the bathroom open?

Ralph Andracchio  
I do have three bathrooms in my house. I know humblebrag three, three bathrooms. Again, if you're listening and you have a question for us or just want to send us recipes or you just want to yell at us because we got something wrong or you didn't agree with us. Doesn't matter any and all the above send it to us. heyletmeaskyousomething@gmail.com It's always in the show notes. Our contact information is always there. If anybody wants to contact you, your website's there 

Kristin Wood  
that Philly... 

Ralph Andracchio  
she got it wrong.

Kristin Wood  
thephillytherapistkristen.com,  thephillytherapistkristin@gmail.com. I'm accepting new clients, anyone who's looking or needs any kind of guidance around finding a therapist, please reach out to me.

Ralph Andracchio  
There you go. We're always here. 

Kristin Wood  
Enjoy your holiday 

Ralph Andracchio  
Enjoy your holiday if you're in the US if you're not in the US July 4th is just another day. 

Kristin Wood  
We'll be celebrating 

Ralph Andracchio  
We'll be celebrating. Alright folks, that's it. Have a great week. Great weekend and we'll see you next time.

Kristin Wood  
Bye

Transcribed by https://otter.ai