What is Self-Actualization? - S04E09

On this week’s show Kristin and I are digging into self-actualization. What it is, what’s in it for everyone, why it’s so hard to reach, and why it can seem easy for some and impossible for others.

Kristin's Website
Ralph's Linktree
White, Pink, and Brown Noise
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Self-Actualization Definition

Send us your questions! We may tackle yours in an upcoming episode!
heyletmeaskyousomething@gmail.com

DISCALIMER:
The views expressed on the Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast are solely the opinions of your hosts Kristin Wood and Ralph Andracchio and are based on their years of practical and clinical experience. These opinions do not constitute any kind of advice, diagnosis, or treatment of any mental, physical, or emotional issues. If you are having an emergency or any serious ongoing situations please contact your local hospital or a trusted professional.

Transcript

The Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast
Season 04
Episode 09
What is Self-Actualization? 

[MUSIC INTRO PLAYS]

Ralph Andracchio  
Time to get curious. It's The Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast, the show dedicated to inspiring more people to ask questions and have more interesting conversations. On this week's show, Kristin and I are digging into self actualization. What it is, what's in it for everyone? Why is it so hard to reach? And why it can seem easy for some and impossible for others. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Self actualization is basically just in its simplest definition reaching your full potential.

Kristin Wood  
It has to do with where you are developmentally and for many people, especially people that live in oppressed communities, poor violence where there is a lot of trauma, and people living in environments where they're constantly re traumatized and don't get out of that environment. They don't get past concrete thinking kind of the stage of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, necessarily all of them physiological needs because they are in a survival mode.

Ralph Andracchio  
Well, hell then. I mean, following that train of thought, wouldn't matter as Lowe's pyramid kind of collapse a little bit in on itself.

Kristin Wood  
Well, there's no arrogance to self actualization. There's no boasting. Sort of like when people ask me the difference between arrogance and confidence, and I would say confidence is often silent and sound 

Ralph Andracchio  
The best way for you to help us inspire more conversations and easily find more of our great episodes, is to hit that subscribe button, and share this show with your friends, and check us out on YouTube if you want to see us as well as hear us. And remember, we love that you're listening but this show is for entertainment. We are not your therapist or your coach. We are not providing professional advice either from us or any of our guests. Give the full disclaimer in the show. One so more info on that. All right, my friends. Let's start this conversation.

Ralph Andracchio  
My phone better not screw up again. So it did not it did

Kristin Wood  
It wasn't dead was it?

Ralph Andracchio  
I Well, I think what happened was I didn't have enough space. 

Kristin Wood  
Oh, yeah, you were looking at that. 

Ralph Andracchio  
So I went through I cleared off a lot of stuff. I have I don't know if anybody else has this. But I have messages, instant message conversations on my phone from 2014.

Kristin Wood  
How are those messages?

Ralph Andracchio  
They're fine. They're fine. There was a nice little like time capsule into things that I've talked about before but I was like why do I need to have a looked at them. And what is that eight years ago? I got rid of pain? Yeah, I got I went through all my pictures. I have multiple, multiple pictures of like my feet. I'm like road signs and like oh, at the time. Yeah, like, Oh, this is pretty. This might be a really nice picture. And then I forgot about it. And eight years later, I'm like, what the...

Kristin Wood  
No, I take pictures by accident. So it'll be like side of my foot. Like yeah, and I'll find that on my camera. A whole bunch of them were went off and I didn't even know it. was taking pictures.

Ralph Andracchio  
I do that with my home screen. Like the way I pick up my phone. I'll press the two buttons. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah I don't know what I was doing, 

Ralph Andracchio  
I have a lot of pictures on my home screen 

Kristin Wood  
and I try to figure them out as the funniest part as I stare at them and I really try to figure out what they are which even if I did, it's nothing. Who cares? Yeah, but I'm like trying to figure it out.

Ralph Andracchio  
It's like the I think the rule applies for pictures and conversations on your phone as it does with clothes in your closet. Have you heard of the hangar thing?

Kristin Wood  
6 months?

Ralph Andracchio  
A year.

Kristin Wood  
A year? If you haven't worn it in a year?

Ralph Andracchio  
yeah. So for people who are listening if you don't know the hanger rule is if you want to figure out what clothes you can safely get rid of, or there's clothes that you want to keep. Put all your hangers in your closet in one direction. And then every time you wear something and wash it and put it back, put the hanger in the opposite direction. 

Kristin Wood  
Oh I don't know that one. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh yeah. Yeah. So buy and then do that for the whole year and then when a year rolls around, you can look at your closet and all the hangers that are still the the front facing way. You know you you will never wear that. You know it's been a whole year you've gone through all the seasons all the holidays and you've never worn that thing. You could probably safely get rid of it.

Kristin Wood  
I love that I did not know that. I just go in and look at it. And I'm like, Do I like you? Have I worn you?

Ralph Andracchio  
I mean, you can do that too. But yeah, it's a same thing for stuff on your phone. If you haven't used it looked at it or responded to it and a year. Get rid of it. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. Do you have cologne on? I feel like you smell good? 

Ralph Andracchio  
I do have cologne on.

Kristin Wood  
Ralph smells really yummy today.

Ralph Andracchio  
I put a little I put a little spritz on. It's it's a new we just got it earlier this summer with Dan and I went cologne shopping because we needed we had our colognes that we were that we liked but of course they were both discontinued. So we were like, Oh, it was heartbreaking. So we needed to find new ones and we went to Bloomingdale's with everything. No, we found the men we went early and the men's calendar was empty. And so we went over there we had a whole hour we just like Alright, we're gonna get this done. They had it was actually nice. They had all the little cards you can spray stuff on. They had the cup of coffee to cleanse your nose between like 

Kristin Wood  
Oh that's what helps? Okay, 

Ralph Andracchio  
yeah, because if you if you keep smelling stuff too much you go nose blind and then like everything just kind of smells the same. So yeah, no, it's the coffee smell coffee. Yeah,

Kristin Wood  
two things I learned today. Okay,

Ralph Andracchio  
right. It hasn't even been five minutes. Yeah, we're

Kristin Wood  
already minutes in I'm already late. Did a lot of

Ralph Andracchio  
stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And so we eventually found our stuff. I forget what he got. But I got it's called the infrared. It's what? Nicole Nicole Nichols wolf or something. It's it comes the bottle looks like a very geometric hand grenade. Okay, and then you has a little plastic tab at the top that you have to pull off before you can use it.

Kristin Wood  
I'm wondering too, because I'm gonna buy a friend of mine cologne. And I'm in the market for cologne right now.

Ralph Andracchio  
Victor. Rolf or something. Victor Rolf. I think it's called. Yeah, it's called infrared. It's it's really? That's really nice. Yeah.

Kristin Wood  
It's nice and light, like, I've been like, Oh, I was like, Oh, I smell a nice little scent.

Ralph Andracchio  
Number three thing that people might not have known we Dan and I just learned this shopping for cologne. There's eau de toilette. And there's eau de parfum. And then there's like regular eau de toilette is actually lighter and lasts less time than anything else does. 

Kristin Wood  
Like a body splash for women. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Right you put it on and it's light and it doesn't last as long. Eau de Parfum or like anything else is is not heavier, but it like it lasts longer. So it is stronger so that I did not know that. Man this is like everybody... I wish we had a hotline.

Kristin Wood  
Why do we even need a topic because I learned so many things in five minutes here. More than I learned all day.

Ralph Andracchio  
We should just have a hotline people call in, we'll give you will give you information that we've gleaned

Kristin Wood  
useless, not useless. 

Kristin Wood  
Well it depends. It depends. You just redid your place a little bit new rug.

Kristin Wood  
So I'm being really weird about the rug like a little get really excited but that's because I couldn't have a rug for several years because of my dog and her problem with her bowels and so I rugs were not an option for me and she passed almost a year now believe it or not, and I've been talking about getting a rug forever. And the other day before nine o'clock I bought this rug this year the next day. I was like enough. I need a rug. I'm tired and it just thinks it feels it feels good to me. I love it. It just feels good. It's a nice big rug and now the other benefit is because I have hardwood floors. I don't have to worry about the floors so much like I was constantly on the floors I felt the the floors I felt the talk about it more than I'd actually mop. But now it's like this rug is covering a huge portion of the floor. So even if I mop it, it's like a two second deal.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, no, I love it. It

Kristin Wood  
Little things for me it really is.

Ralph Andracchio  
You got your little battery operated candles. They're really cute.

Kristin Wood  
I got the plant up there. Did a couple little things.

Ralph Andracchio  
You were talking about how you turn them on the candles on at night and it makes you feel good. I I just found brown noise

Kristin Wood  
What's brown noise? Another thing... about to learn something else. You guys ready? 

Ralph Andracchio  
You know what it is? It's it's the coke. Coca Cola sorry, not cocaine. I've I feel like I needed to specify. No, I'm drinking an ice cold Coca Cola right now and I think the caffeine is helping me connect some dots. No brown noise is like white noise but it's like lower. It's like different frequency and it I've it's on my app that I have had that has like different sounds put you to sleep has brown noise and I've been using it like for the past week. out like a light.

Kristin Wood  
When we're done can you put brown noise on for me? Because I really want to hear what it sounds like I don't know what that is. I have a  noise machine thing. I think it's right over there from when I was in my office with white noise. And then it has a water which I can't do that once I run to the bathroom immediately as soon as the  water starts trickling. Yeah, so I've never heard brown noise. It's new. 

Ralph Andracchio  
I will I will look it up for you afterwards. And I will put it in the show notes. So if anybody's interested you can listen to brown noise.

Kristin Wood  
White Noise really works. People think it's like, you know, they think oh, that's just silly. It makes people think you get black sound. Now it really does.

Ralph Andracchio  
It really does. It really does work. There's frequencies things that you know, I'm I don't think we should get into here but if you're interested there's a lot of YouTube videos about like different frequencies and how they affect human beings and like healing and mental stress and like all this you know all this kind of stuff. So look it up.

Kristin Wood  
I have lots of things to do tonight.

Ralph Andracchio  
So this week, we have a direct request from a listener who wanted us - enjoys the show immensely. Yeah. We love we love them. And they wanted us to dig into the topic of self self actualization. And why it is so hard to get to a point of sex self out and self. Why is it so hard to say? It's a lot self actualization. Why it's so hard to get there. You know and why? I think why is it discouraged in some way, shape or form by others? Yeah, I think I get so that's our that's our topic for today. And I think there's a lot here to dissect.

Kristin Wood  
Definitley a good. I love this. This is something we probably wouldn't have come up with.

Ralph Andracchio  
No, no, because we're both very self actualized. Why would we need to talk about this?

Kristin Wood  
This show is about how perfect Ralph and I are.

Ralph Andracchio  
Right see we we set the standard for everybody else. Yeah. We had to actually look it up just to make sure we're talking about the right thing today. But self actualization is basically just in its simplest definition, reaching your full potential. And those of us who are familiar with and enjoy the Maslow hierarchy, Maslow's hierarchy of needs the pyramid self actualization is at the top of the pyramid. So that's like the the Mecca the brass ring of you know, getting your s together. After you know psychological needs and physiological needs and like security and friendship and all that stuff. You get to the top and it's like then you can self actualize. So that's what self actualization is reaching your full potential, becoming your best self, you know, tapping into all of your innate qualities and talents to you know, become the fullest version of yourself. Which is something we all well not all of us. I want to I'm always trying to be mindful of this. I want to be aware of when something is just not attainable for some people, not because they don't want it it's because of the way the world and society is set up. Like I think self actualization is something that I'm trying to. I'm trying to parse my words carefully. I think self actualization is something that is not available to everybody, because they're never the way the system set up. If you're in a specific place you just won't be able to get past those first two lower levels of the pyramid. Yeah, I don't know. If I put that there. Okay.

Kristin Wood  
It's sort of an abstract concept. Is that is that an okay way of looking at and pretty or not pretty? Not everybody gets to really technical right now, but not everybody gets to that point in development where they're able to understand and use abstract thinking. And I will say one little thing is therapy thing about it. It has to do with where you are developmentally and for many people, especially people that live in oppressed communities, poor violence, where there is a lot of trauma, and people living in environments where they're constantly re traumatized and don't get out of that environment. They don't get past concrete thinking and kind of the stage of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, necessarily all of them physiological needs because they are in a survival mode.

Ralph Andracchio  
That's what I was looking for. Thank you.

Kristin Wood  
It's it's not anything to do with the ability or being smart or you're better than I am. It is a lot to do with the environment, the society, the framework, etc. That one is living in.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes, thank you. I knew you would say it better than I could.

Kristin Wood  
I just pulled out of this was back to my like old days of school

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, no, you put it up. That's exactly what I was trying to say survival. And especially I can't speak for other marginalized communities. But I know you know, the LGBTQ community. There's a lot of barriers put up for people within the community who are living openly and you know, living their truth to to get past those first two levels of survival. Because this the world just says nah, not you. And that freakin sucks. You know, like, all it is. So what we're talking about today is definitely a very, it's a narrow concept that is doesn't apply to everybody. And I think it's good that we put this put into perspective this way at the top because we realize this not everybody, this isn't going to apply to everybody. But I think in some way we all immune if you're a human being you strive for that, that top of the pyramid, you know that self actualization. So I think there's going to be bits and pieces of this conversation that everybody can use in some way. But you know, as a pure like, I've conquered all the other levels of the pyramid and now I can work I don't think this that applies, so it doesn't apply to me and that's for damn sure.

Kristin Wood  
Well, there's no arrogance to self actualization. There's no boasting. It's sort of like when people ask me the difference between arrogant and confident, and I would say confidence is often silent and sound and secure. I think self actualization is the same way I think of like Gandhi and people like that, that tried to reach and I believe he might have reached what he considered self actualization, but it's, yeah,

Ralph Andracchio  
No, no, I love that. Yeah. Yeah. I think that could there could be an argument made for a lot of thought leaders that have maybe, in some way, attained that that self actualization because I think, and I think they'd become thought leaders, because they have reached some level of that, you know, fulfillment, fulfillment of their, you know, was that the potential? Yeah,

Kristin Wood  
And I think the thing I was just thinking of, I'm not sure if we want to go in this direction or not, is who defines it for you? Oh, yeah. Go? How do you know? Like, am I there? I have no idea. And I think it's something that a person recognizes and defines themselves. I don't think other people can tell you. Do you?

Ralph Andracchio  
No, I think that's a great point.

Kristin Wood  
It's a personal thing. It has nothing to do with other people.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. Well, hell then. I mean, following that train of thought, Wouldn't Maslow's pyramid kind of collapse a little bit in on itself because if we get to define what self actualization is, maybe more people can attain it. If it's all kind of self regulated and self defined?

Kristin Wood  
Well I think it's possible for even a person in an environment that we described earlier to reach that I just think it's way harder. It's way more obstacles. There's way more things getting in the way and making it more difficult. It's already difficult in and of itself for anybody. Yeah. When you have a lot more obstacles and things, pushing you away from it. It's just that much harder. Is there somebody in one of those environments that could shore but they will be pretty outstanding, given the adversity they'd be facing and the different more challenges they'd have to face than maybe somebody else to get to that?

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, and I think not to go off topic. I don't think I am but not set not to go down and weird side street. I think it benefits the power the people that are in power to keep people keep the masses in survival mode because if everybody had the opportunity to grow within themselves and fulfill their potential, the people in power would not be in power very much longer. Because people would have more knowledge skill opportunity to challenge and change the way things are. So I think it's it's not it's not an accident that we are the majority of us are in survival mode every day, and not getting past those first. One or two levels of the hierarchy. Because that's the way the system the system is working. You know, it's not a bug. It's a feature.

Kristin Wood  
I think that power is 

Ralph Andracchio  
Sorry, 

Kristin Wood  
It's okay. I think power is I think that people often equate power almost with a loose sense of self actualization. People think it's the same thing which it isn't, you know, if I have this, if I am a leader and I have all this power and control and usually all this money, then I have hit the jackpot and like, you know, and... am I making sense?

Ralph Andracchio  
No you're making... Yeah,Yeah, keep going.

Kristin Wood  
But it has absolutely nothing to do with that. That's why I'm saying somebody coming from the poorest neighborhood and most violent neighborhood in the world could reach reach self actualization. Absolutely. And have no power over all those things and no money and no, you know what I mean, I think people I think that's why a lot of us don't reach that point of self actualization, too, is because these other things are distractions. As what we're we are reaching for, you know, when I talk to clients about then that feeling good enough and wanting this and wanting that many of them can admit, even if I get that, am I really going to feel fulfilled, am I really going to feel happy? If we really peel it away? You know, because people get so set on when I get this and when I get that and when you're that focused on getting something or getting to somewhere, in order for you to be excelling in life and moving forward, then then you're kind of going you're on the wrong path. They're on the wrong road. As far as if we're talking about self actualization.

Ralph Andracchio  
You spoke about Gandhi before and I think I think that was a good person to cite because that's kind of what I think of when I think of self actualization because it's wasn't about objects or things or or you know, I own all this stuff it was about self actualization is within yourself. It's not without it's not objects and things and people it's about, you know, what is my full potential and how can I can I reach that and yeah, I don't think I think you would be hard pressed to find a handful of people that are in power today in any country, but especially in the United States, who are self actualized self actualized, man, I'm going to get right one time self actualized. I can do this, whatever and if I can get it and get it. I think you'd be hard pressed to find anybody within the government, US government who is who is attain that, that kind of fulfillment. And you're right you know, power does not equal actualization and fulfillment because there's, I mean, and even you know, burrowing down even more to everybody's daily life, I'm sure people listening now, could say that people that are in power in their own companies or their own businesses are not self hatched and reach their potential right so you know, just giving people power and saying, Okay, you're a manager. Now you're a boss now, does not mean they immediately, you know, jump up to the top of the pyramid.

Kristin Wood  
Right. I think it's also about evaluating what we mean by reaching your potential.

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh, that's great. Yeah. What does it mean to reach your full potential and I I think, that means a lot of self discovery and self awareness and self knowledge of what am I good at? You know, what, what is my purpose? What do I what do people come to me for what I what am I naturally gravitating towards? Like, I used to talk about that stuff with clients all the time, you know, okay, well, what are you good at? What do you do without even thinking about it? Why do people naturally come to you for for help, you know, and I think that's a good way to kind of get a hint at what you know where you're headed. And then it's it's setting goals. So you can kind of steer your ship in that direction. Right. How would you how would you describe it?

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I don't I think it's so complicated, so deep. This is like my brains gonna be very tired. I think it's, it's about potential in all areas of your life. It's not you know, I think we say have you reached your potential, and people immediately, think education, job, money. That's what people think of. And I think when you look at the concept of self actualization is talking about so much more than that, like that's probably a small, small peanuts in the whole thing. It's more about your relationship with yourself, satisfaction and content with your life.

Ralph Andracchio  
And being able to I know, we were both big proponents of self advocacy as well, you know, advocating for yourself speaking up and saying, you know, I do not like that. I want to live my life like this. I want to hang out with these kinds of people. I want to help the world in this way,

Kristin Wood  
right. Yeah, and the first thing when Ralph brought it up I was, I was like, does anyone achieve this? that was literally the first thing that came out of my mouth, and I don't think a lot of people do. Again, maybe my perception is skewed because I work with so many people that are so hard on themselves. Perfection perfectionists low self esteem, things of that nature. And I know how tough that is to overcome. But when I think about the who is outside of Gandhi, and like big people, I think of like older people, people that have lived a full life, let's say they're in their 80s. And I think about sometimes how they're at peace, with their life, with their relationships. with who they are with what they've done. And it's not like they're saying, all right, God, whoever you believe in, I'm ready to go like I did it all. But they're very comfortable with the I don't need to be more been talking about that. But they're very comfortable with leaving this this this earth because I think they've come to a place of acceptance number one, that they're at a stage of life where they're going to pass and that they are feeling content and satisfied with the life that they live now. It's not exactly self actualization. I'm not sure but that's when I was trying to wrap my head around. Who in layman layman that's what it is? Well, maybe something like what we're talking about. Perhaps it could be some of those people.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, and, you know, living that long, I think you gain enough knowledge of self and experience of the world. That you can just don't care anymore. And I don't mean that in a flippant way. I mean, like, you don't care about things that don't actually matter. And I think...

Kristin Wood  
So maybe I'm just talking about aging. And I'm not talking about self actualization.

Ralph Andracchio  
no, no, no, I think they're connected but I also think, I don't I because I've known older people who are just buttholes and they don't they have they're not self actualized at all. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I'm not talking about all old people by any means here.

Ralph Andracchio  
Some of them I was related to but also there are younger people who I would say are, you know, self actualized or heading that way rapidly? Because they you know, they see the world differently. And I so, yes, I think just life experience can help you not care as well. I mean, let me do it in a positive way can help you focus on what really matters and kind of let the other stuff fall away. Care guess that's some of it also, you know, the experiences we have, a lot of times can you know, you hear some people say, Oh, they had to grow up really fast or like, you know, they had a rough life. They had to grow up fast. And I think it was that's a nice way of saying you know, you you go through something where it kind of it shifts your priorities and your focus

Kristin Wood  
Sorry this hair is like really bugging me in my eye, alright I'm good now. 

Ralph Andracchio  
You all right? 

Kristin Wood  
Yup.

Ralph Andracchio  
Wanna take five? 

Kristin Wood  
No, it was like 

Ralph Andracchio  
Back to one everybody 

Kristin Wood  
stuck on my eyelash and then that's all I could see and think about.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, so it doesn't necessarily have to do with age but I think within that age argument is the idea that the more experiences we have I think we move up the up the ladder a little bit.

Kristin Wood  
There's got to be an age cutoff. You can't see yourself actualized at 20 I'm sorry, that's a rarity. I'm not saying never somebody out there in the world maybe but like, Yeah, you can't there's no we're not going to sit here and try to put an age on it because that might get us a lot of emails. But I just think you got a lived chunk of life to be able to get this because you don't even know who you are. When you're young. You're not even fully developed.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, guys don't really stop developing till we're what? 37? 38? 

Kristin Wood  
Yes, thank you for saying that though. 

Ralph Andracchio  
25? 27? Somewhere around there. I think. 

Kristin Wood  
I think it's more than that but ok. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Our brains stop -yeah. But yeah,

Kristin Wood  
We'll leave that for a different day.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, we'll have to have a big panel on for that. We're building up to a big show about sex and sexuality and gender. Gonna have a big panel, I'm gonna set it up. We're gonna have a lot of fun with that. But I think that speaks back to what you were talking about of hubris of like confidence versus arrogance. And I think there are 20 year olds that are just arrogant and think they know everything. And then there's 20 year olds who kind of have that quiet kind of confidence that you're like, maybe that's what we mean by old soul. He's just gonna say that. People who have big Oh, they have an old soul. Maybe they're just closer to being self actualized

Kristin Wood  
I think that's true. So funny. I'm thinking about my nephew right now, but yeah, I do. I think there's some that are just wise beyond their years now we really sound like cool people. But I embrace my younger years. Yeah, that have this maturity this confidence. That seems strange, but it's unusual for someone their age

Ralph Andracchio  
because I think we it's like, like you said, we kind of give people leeway because they're not developed fully developed yet.

Kristin Wood  
I still can't I still not sure. I think they could be self actualized that young, but I don't I don't need to go on when I'm saying so.

Ralph Andracchio  
True. And I don't think See, that's the thing. It's hard to know what at what point is it allowable to be self actualized? 

Kristin Wood  
Right. I know that sounds wrong. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Can a baby be self-actualized? I know some smart babies. I've met some very smart babies.

Kristin Wood  
I think the brain has to be developed. Isn't that age seven? Yeah, you gotta have a full brain before you can self actualize.

Ralph Andracchio  
All right, I will acquiesce.

Kristin Wood  
Look, someone that knows about this, please. We're just talking out of our behinds right now. We could be off

Ralph Andracchio  
We are speaking from our respective pools of knowledge and education, and experience.

Kristin Wood  
Ralph you said that so much better than speaking from our behinds.

Ralph Andracchio  
We are also talking out of our butts a lot of the time. Yes. Why is it and then the next part of that question that the listener had was Why is it so hard? Why is the road so hard? To get to self actualization? Why why is it such a rocky path?

Kristin Wood  
We get in our own way. That's my immediate answer to that.

Ralph Andracchio  
Say more.

Kristin Wood  
I really that was immediately came in. I had because it has nothing to do with everybody. I think that we talked already about the different environments and cultures and things in our society that make it more difficult for people. But I think that on the whole, beginner away because it's us that determines it. Are there people that have situations that make some things easier for them in life apps are freakin lovely, and some people that are much harder. Absolutely. But I also think that it this all comes from within and if we aren't willing to do the work on ourselves, if we aren't willing to be curious about our desires, needs goals, who we are our self awareness, then that's on us right then we're then we're just not probably going to get there. I think again, yeah, some of the messages in society, get into our heads and get in the way. I think a lot of I think a lot of everything has to do with our relationship with ourselves because I say it every week. Our self esteem and the way we feel about ourselves has so much to do with so, so many other things. And a lot of us, a society perpetuates this. Do not prioritize ourselves in physically, emotionally. Everything mentally, we don't. And because of that, there's so much attention to all these other things. And sometimes they're things like kids which had to pay attention to or parents that you've to take care of or whatever. I'm not saying there aren't things that people have to deal with. But there's also just so much attention to stuff that just takes us away from ourselves that we don't have to, but we do. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah.

Kristin Wood  
I think I just babble but... yeah, I think that it's that recentering which is very difficult like recentering coming back to self trying to get to that. I'm not Look, I can't do this. I'm going to sit here and say I can, but trying to recenter and bring it back into us. And it's also a lot about putting yourself first in a way which a lot of people struggle with. So there's a lot of other crap that gets in the way and makes it really, really hard. Life.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. And I think this part of the conversation touches on a lot of our old episodes that we've done, selfless versus selfish, and that that springs to mind immediately like what what is putting ourselves first mean? Are we doing it too much? Are we being selfish? Are we not putting ourselves and making ourselves a priority enough? Are we being too selfless? Which doesn't do anybody any good? The the importance of play you know making time for yourself to do things that you enjoy that fulfill you in some way that decrease your stress that doesn't have to fulfill a purpose. It's just there to make you feel better. You know, I can I could literally name all of our previous episodes and I'm sure they touch on this in some way. And it's again, the system is set up sometimes for us to be stuck in those those that survival mode of those first two levels of the hierarchy where you just can't get out of it. And and then we think I have to hang out with this kind of people in this group of friends do these kinds of activities and do this and it's like, again, thinking to yourself, What is this actually moving me forward in any way? Is this what I really need to be doing? Am I doing it because I feel like I have to? Or am I doing it because I really want to and I feel like it's moving me forward on my path.

Kristin Wood  
There's still so much negativity criticism. I don't know the word is I'm against doing all that. Like it just goes back to selfish versus selfless. And it's like, if you are somebody that's consistently refocusing on yourself and what you need and creating, then you're you're you're deemed as selfish you're deemed is. Something's wrong with you. You're you know, it's bad. It's still a thing.

Ralph Andracchio  
And oh, another episode that we did that ties into this is product over people, you know, if there is no, if there is no product to what you're doing, if you're not producing something of value for other people that you can commodify then you're not it's the wrong thing to do. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, like play. Cuz play has no like, accepted value. Once you're past being a child. Play doesn't have a ton of accepted value amongst adults. It's not something you can say you didn't make money. From play usually some people do. But you know, you don't make money from it. You didn't get recognized for it. You know what I mean? You just enjoy just like the pure fact of enjoying yourself doing something and feeling good about yourself doesn't have enough value in our society. That's what we talked about.

Ralph Andracchio  
Retirement. I've had this conversation in some way shape or form with a few people over the past couple weeks of people that are retiring and like oh, they can finally like do all these things they want to do and sail and do pottery or like, you know, learn something new at the annex or you know, and I'm like, Why do we always have to wait till we're older and retired to because that those are steps towards self actualization of like, what do I enjoy doing? What's gonna fulfill me, you know, what kind of people do I want to hang out with? Do I want to go back and get another degree and learn more stuff? And like...

Kristin Wood  
I love that point, actually,

Ralph Andracchio  
Why do we always have to wait till we're retired? And it's because the system is set up to keep people in survival... I'm so glad you said that in the beginning of this episode, because that's what it is we're, we exist within a framework that keeps us in survival mode. So a lot of us can't focus on those other things.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I remember when I was in my mid 30s. I remember when I got my my Volkswagen Beetle convertible, her name was Pearl, God rest her soul. I loved pearl, pearl. And I was like, I'm a convertible because I'm young. I'm still cute. I'm not waiting to like get my tilam in 50s or 60s When I get the Mustang convertible in Florida. I'm not doing it. I'm getting it right now. While I'm young. I remember having that entire mindset about it. Of like, I'm gonna have this fun little car while I'm young and fun. You know, and it just made me think of that. It's like, yeah, you have to keep waiting and Oh, when I retire and oh, and the more responsibilities you have in your life, the more excuses excuses, the more reasons you make for not doing those things and maybe it's just not feasible sometimes too. That's the other thing like you know, if you have kids, you're always responsible at a house and all that that's a lot to try to do all that and then put yourself there's a lot of things going on.

Ralph Andracchio  
Youth is wasted on the young as the saying goes, you know. But also again thinking about people who have started families and have chosen to have kids buy the house you know, the picket fence, do that do that whole kind of I don't want to say offshoot but like different reality than then some of us have chosen. Maybe, maybe that is your self actualization at this point in your life. Like, I've chosen to start a family and raise kids and do all that and I'm going to be the best version of that. Maybe that's maybe that is your version of self actualization, right now at this point, you know, so maybe, maybe there's different kinds of self actualization as we as we traveled down, like you said before, like we can kind of define it, how we want to define it.

Kristin Wood  
yes, thinking about it, I think, yeah, I mean, that might be part of the journey towards the top of the pyramid among relationships and other pieces along that pyramid before to get to the to, uh, to, you know, a piece that might be a piece towards it. But I think I don't know it's one thing to make choices such as to have a family and buy a house and all that and that's what you want and that's what you love, and that's what you live and you enjoy it because another thing when people unfortunately go and make those decisions, because they think because the society and then they feel they're missing out. They feel they're held back from doing some of the other things maybe they wanted to do. I guess it's different in every situation.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, it is.

Kristin Wood  
I feel like I'm off in a weird place.

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh, no, I think it's all it's all part of it. Yeah, absolutely. Are we going to come to any kind of, 

Kristin Wood  
Oh, hell no 

Ralph Andracchio  
conclusion. Hell, no, no. Yeah. You know, we're not going to make any new discoveries about this. But I think it's an interesting topic of discussion of, you know, what does it actually mean to be fulfilled? And I think a lot of people were using the term self actualization on this on the show, but I think just fulfilled Yeah, it's like a very simple way to put it. And that's what a lot of people want, like, I just want to be fulfilled. I want to find a fulfilling job and a fulfilling career, you know, a relationship and, you know, I think that's what they're saying is I want I want those parts of my life to feel fulfilling.

Kristin Wood  
It's connected to feeling content.

Ralph Andracchio  
Right. And there's a saying no, no, no, I one of my favorite improv teachers of all time Susan Messing, had a saying, and I can't say it fully on this show, because we are a kid friendly show. But she said, if you're not having fun, you're the a-hole like in, in in scenes, and I took that to mean we have a lot more control over where our stories heading than we think. And if you're not having especially in improv, if you're not having fun in the scene, you can change it. Yeah, you can do something, you have a choice. You can change it and do something different. And so I think, if you're not having fun, you're the a-hole I think that's I think that's something that everybody can use in some form in their life of saying you do, you know, yes, everybody's situation is different. A lot of us do not have the same kind of, of resources available to us or you know, the same kind of time or energy to think about these things and others do, but I think no matter where you are, and what kind of resources you have available, there is a little speck of time you can set aside to say you know, what choices do I have? Right? What kind of things can I change? Even if it's one tiny little miniscule thing at all, you do it enough, you do that thing enough and it starts to build up and it starts to become a habit and it starts to change your perception about things and just don't you know, so, baby steps like tiny baby steps, you know? But yeah, that's my that's my contribution. You're not having fun. You're the a-hole. Feel free.

Kristin Wood  
I think that's a good ending point. Do you think we have another piece

Ralph Andracchio  
No I think that's a good thank you Susan Messing wherever you are. I appreciate that. 

Kristin Wood  
Shout out to Susan 

Ralph Andracchio  
Shout out to Susan who's an absolute national treasure and she's amazing. Look her up if you get a chance because she's great. Yeah, I think...

Kristin Wood  
My brain's tired.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah that was a lot. 

Kristin Wood  
This was good deep thinking 

Ralph Andracchio  
This was a really good conversation

Kristin Wood  
Thank you listener. Hopefully we did something here.

Ralph Andracchio  
I will check in with them after this goes live. What else do they have squirreled away in their thought packet? Yeah, that's it. That's the whole point of the show. Helping people have better conversations and inspiring more people to ask more questions and have more interesting conversations. That's what we do here. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, everybody. Thanks you for being Thank you. For helping me self actualize. Yes,

Kristin Wood  
We were a couple miniscule steps ahead. Than we were 44 minutes ago?

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes. Yeah. All right, everybody. Thank you very much. All of our contact info is in the show notes and I will link the stuff about brown noise in there too. And anything else interesting that we talked about. 

Kristin Wood  
Have a good week everybody. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Have a good week, everybody. We'll see you next time.

Kristin Wood  
Bye.

Ralph Andracchio  
Bye.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai